Wednesday, March 7, 2007

So much bat guano, so little time.

I don’t think I’ve seen this much nuttiness since Sonny the cuckoo bird went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Bubbles caught in the throes of Jate withdrawal isn’t a pretty sight, my friends. I bring you these examples as a public service. So you may be better able to recognize this illness, should you encounter it in your daily lives. Only with knowledge and understanding can we combat this scourge and prevent it from infecting unsuspecting members of the ever elusive general viewing audience.

Over at Jater ground zero, the co-hostess with the mostest mob mentality “what she said!” posts, offered up a question for discussion.

“What do you think is the biggest obstacle that Jack and Kate have overcome so far?”

A softball question, but your average bubble is easily distracted. And what is the answer? Being kidnapped? Drugged? Monsters? Kate having her way with Sawyer? Not at all.

“I would have to say the kiss because it was the "awakening" for them and by Kate's running away, that left Jack understandably confused.”

So the one and only Jate kiss was an “obstacle” to be overcome? I am both awake and understandably confused.

“It took awhile, but they finally were discussing the subject when that darned Michael came out of nowhere to screw things up. But, they were talking about it on their own terms and Jack was indicating that he understood what Kate was sorry about and that she has 'running' issues and they would have kissed and made up had it not been for the aforementioned Michael.”

Well darn that aforementioned Michael! If not for his sorry ass, we’d be well on our way to jabies by now. Love may conquer all, but Jate love will stop on a dime. Ummm, if a ship won’t withstand a guy in a hood stumbling by, you would be well advised to keep a lifeJACKET handy.

“People are very sensitive especially right now, given the lack of Jate this season and when posts feel a little too "particular", it upsets people.”

No. What’s upsetting people is trying to figure out just what the frak you’re babbling about? How exactly does a “too particular” post “feel” like? It sounds creepifying to me.

“It's too bad that there are some who can't accept what we believe in and hope for (and know will happen ) ANd enough people have left the couch completely and that is sad, because they were nice people who are missed.”

People have left the couch completely? Whatever could have caused that? Sounds fishy to me. *preens and buffs her scales*

“I say we officially ban the word "ambiguous" from our couch - it is driving me crazy and it refers to everything anymore. No more ambiguity. Answers and Jate, is that too much to ask for?”

Don’t be so hasty, bubbles. Lose that word and all discussion of Jate dies by default. Oh wait! On second thought, go ahead. No more ambiguity means no more Jate. Buh bye.

“Believing they were both about to die, her actions were definately a result of circumstance. Some call it pity sex, some dont.”

“both”? When did Kate believe they were “both” about to die? If Jate was something that EVER crossed Kate’s mind, wouldn’t it have made sense for her to tell Jack that she was about to die, rather than piss him off with her concern for Sawyer? Oh, and put me in the “some don’t” column.

A Jater’s eye view of TTID

“I watched SIASL before the episode to put me in a good mood. My mum caught the last five seconds. About Julet and Jack she had this to say, 'He's not even going to kiss her. What is that man a priest?'

TPTB? See what you've done? The casual viewer thinks Jack has a vow of celibacy or something. Heh”

And here I thought the skank sex had cleared that up.

“Hurley: These flashbacks were both tedious and repetitive.”

Hmm, like Jack’s daddy issues much?

“On Island Hurley talks to Libby’s grave. That was totally in my ficlet series btw! TPTB have obviously not read my other fics where Jack does NOT get screwed over.”

Oh yeah. TPTB are trolling for plot points in YOUR fanfic. Damn! The batshit is deep in here.

“There was some sort of theme about hope, which was definitely not shoved down our throats or anything. Hope not being about Jack or anything! Hope being able to drive a car! Yayz, cos that’s what a tropical island needs. A car!”

A car, some beer, lots of laughs, works for me. See what can happen when you de-Jack the picture?

"Jin: Brings his wife a flower after a long days drinking. Jin, he just doesn’t get romance. "

Unless you count the whole, I still love you as much as when I first gave you a single flower, thing. How tragic would romance be if it were left to the unimaginative minds of Jaters to define?

“Kate: ‘What are we talking about James?’ Well, once you figured it the fuck out, would you please let the audience know? They really added this waste of space scene to the episode? So they watched the episode back and they thought ‘what are we missing’. I know! Sawyer and Kate talk about Little House on the Prairie! Seriously, I’m actually pissed Kate’s going to rescue Jack. I was looking forward to them talking about the shit Waltons next.

So Kate asks Sawyer to say sorry. For……? Not going back for Jack? For not being Jack? For being involved in a plotline that makes the audience want to die a painful death? Whatever.

After Kate asks this question of love to Sawyer, she throws him a lusty look of love when they get to the beach, but when asked she forgets to mention the raft of love to Sayid, she goes into the jungle with her torch of love and discovers the net of pure evil while thinking only about her true love Sawyer. Hmmm”

Awwww, aren’t they cute when they’re trying to be clever? And isn’t it odd that Jaters seem to think Kate found THE net as opposed to A net. Wouldn’t Danielle have reset the trap she made with THE net by now?

“Sawyer: There’s no hope on this island? That’s right Sawyer. At least on the other island you had some hope of sex in a cage. On this island there’s only like tents and stuff. Pfft! Sex in a tent? That’s just pedestrian!.”

Tents, schments. Skate will be re-enacting the famous love scene from “From Here To Eternity” nightly, and twice on Sundays.

“Jack: Was awesome. Wait..... He wasn't in this episode? Oh. He was still awesome.”

At last, we agree. Jack not being there was awesome.

“So I give this episode two dharma cans of beer out of five. And they're totally empty cans too.”

And I give this review one totally empty bubble.

And last but certainly not least, from the newly christened Suliet ship, we have a little segment I like to call, Krusty says …

“I'm not a person that hates one portion of the pair, but ships them anyhow just because I don't want to see them with someone else.”

I’ll remember that next time you’re crucifying Kate. Wait, does that mean you love Sawyer after all? Since you are shipping him with Juliet? Pfft. Sell me another one Krusty.

“I thought that I should make the clarification that Sawyer can't win something from someone when that person didn't have that something to begin with.”

And just in case we didn’t get it, she reiterates for us.

“Sawyer can't win something that wasn't Jack's lol. Neither Kate, Ana or Juliet had/have committed themselves to Jack or even attempted to.”

Thanks for clearing that up, Krusty! Got that, folks? Straight from the Jater’s mouth. Jack didn’t have Kate to begin with and Kate never even attempted to commit herself to Jack.

“I think it was rude of several others to purposefully bring Jack in this thread just for the sake of bashing him. When Sawyer is brought up in the conversations on the JC, it's usually relevant to the topic at hand.”

Never mind that “the topic at hand” is often bashing Sawyer. I seem to recall a thread about an added Skate scene. And who turns up to dump her Skate is tanking the ratings nonsense yet again? A Krusty, you have become almost Pavlovian. Any thread that has Sawyer or Skate in seem to be compelled to bullshit all over it.

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