The Gospel According to Bubbleheads

Yes, this post was inspired by the Joseing fanwank at the Fuselage and the TWoP recap:

What really happened in I Do Dangnabbit!

Jack's decided not to do Ben's tumour surgery and is thinking about how much he wants to verbally copulate with Kate. Juliet brings Kate in to see Jack, and Kate asks Jack to do it, because otherwise the Others will kill Sawyer, but what she really means is that she wants to get it on with Jack and the damn glass is in her way so they exchange deep and meaningful looks that solidify their eternal cosmic connection.

Jack yells at her, once again proving that he is the man in charge, that he loves her and is thinking only of her safety, Sawyer's well-being and the rest of the Losties who are without their fearless leader. Kate understands this is all necessary as part of Jack's tough love, so it makes her adore him even more than before.

She knows that Jack is going to be heroic, and so, emulating his enormous self-sacrifice breaks out of her cage and into Sawyer's to give him pity sex, all the while imagining that she is doing it with Jack. By the look on her face, you can tell that she is barely able to go through with it, but by thinking of Jack, she is able to persist. As she allows Sawyer to spoon with her, she is dreaming of how Sawyer will feel when she is finally able to crush his heart into tiny little pieces when she joins her true and eternal love, Jack.

During this, Jack's cell is conveniently unlocked (by whom, we're not told), enabling him to sneak around and see a post-coital Kate and Sawyer on one of the Others' monitors. He smiles, recognizing that Kate has followed his example of self-sacrifice in giving Sawyer one last happy moment. So he tells Ben he will, in fact, do the surgery, because he is just that noble.

In flashbacks, we find out that Kate was married to that guy from Firefly and he's a cop, and Kate shows us what she is like when she is really in love, which means she says she loves her husband every 10 seconds. We aren't entirely sure why she drugs him, but it's probably because she is having a flash forward to the lessons she will learn from Jack and it's just the right and noble thing to do.

Once Jack begins the surgery, Danny decides to get his revenge for Colleen, by shooting Sawyer. Fortunately, Jack makes an unnecessary incision in Ben that'll make him bleed to death, but Jack will fix it when he knows Kate is safe. When she hears this, Kate realizes that Jack is indeed the man she loves and tells him in a moving scene of verbal copulation that she adores him and always will. Sawyer, although he is facing death, is immediately overcome with insane jealousy that he will never be the man Jack is and secretly roots for Danny to put him out of his misery. Fade to black.