Friday, September 7, 2007


Now that we’ve all come down a little from our Tater Tops High, I think some cold, hard analysis of the results is in order. It may seem obvious to us that a crushing TEN TO ONE VICTORY on a poll that was open equally and freely to any surfer of the great worldwide internets speaks very loudly for itself. But, you know, we’re biased. Maybe TEN TO ONE isn’t as clearcut as it seems. It may be that we need our helpful Jater friends to tell us what the results REALLY meant.

It would seem that Sawyer and Kate weren’t the crushing winners we thought they were at all. In fact, the whole thing was a vast conspiratorial illusion fueled by a demonic force known as PROXY SERVERS! What are PROXY SERVERS, you ask? I noticed a few intrepid Skaters asking just this question on the Fuselage. And – not unexpectedly – they got the usual fist in the face from that ever helpful “moderator”, Halfrek:

"proxies are clearly mentioned and defined in the Rules/FAQ…if you don’t know what proxies are then read RULES especially the part about IP Masking"

Got that? Just because you don’t have a degree in Contract Law and/or a fish-eye magnifying glass with which to read the ever-shifting RULES/FAQ of the Fuse doesn’t give you an excuse to not understand the mechanics of PROXY SERVERS. Hey! Jaters know all about them! It’s almost like they …uh, use them all the freakin time!
Kristin had preemptively flummoxed the Jaters by pulling the rug out from under their predictable whining when she announced:
"These awards were based on the nominations and votes YOU users sent in, from top to bottom. We also used a filter that prevented people from rigging the results by voting multiple times."

But this hardly put a speed bump in their campaign.
Dripping with smugness,Shoegirl was "saddened" that Kristin chose to defend herself. She explained that her innate perfection makes her privy to the “truth” of how she knows that thousands upon thousands of utter strangers managed to rig a vote to a TEN TO ONE margin of victory:

"Kristin defended her poll, and she made an attempt to make it fair, but you can't identify votes that come in on PROXY SERVERS. By the wildly, over the top percentages, it becomes obvious that PROXY SERVER were used in this voting. See if Kristin can without any doubt prove that PROXY SERVER weren't used…. I believe I undersatnd what happened, what is the truth."

The ubiquitous posting machine known as DocLover is even more certain:

"it's called the tater top awards. But don't pay any attention to it because it's not a fair vote at all. People went to proxy sites and voted like 30 times in 5 minutes (probably more)... but whatever. It's not even worth looking at. But in case you want to it's at E!OnLine and Kristen did it. What a coincidence!"

30 times in 5 minutes? Probably more? And when you consider there are 288 five minute intervals in each day, and this poll ran for about 30 days, that's like 8,640 five minute intervals, at 30 votes apiece, that means each and every one of you had the opportunity to vote about 260,000 times! …Yikes! I'm ashamed of you Skaters! How did you only manage to win this by a mere 71% to 7%? You slackers! Were your PROXY SERVERS malfunctioning or something?
Now all this bashing of Kristin and baseless accusation of fellow Fuseleers surely drew in the mods to correct such flagrant RULES violation, right?...Nah! In fact, Majandra chimed in to give them a helping hand at the bashfest:

"You don't even have to go through the trouble of going to proxy sites (which is illegal, afaik). Cleaning out our cookies is actually enough... using different browsers helps as well."

And poor Mystic, banned from the Fuse, was forced to take her patented bitterness and ill temper straight into Kristin’s own house:

"Congrats to the winners who won without Proxy voting and daily voting. And congrats to the folks who won Second Place in the categories where it was obvious that happened -- YOU were the true winners."

Er…pssst… Mystic. Who were you congratulating there? All the other couples that also beat Jack and Kate?
Some Skaters, understandably, took their questions public. What in the hell are PROXY SERVERS anyway? And even though page upon page had gone by on the Couch endlessly trashing the Skaters for abusing a device of which they seem to have no knowledge (the idiots!) , Majandra took a break from egging on the Jaters and nipped that off topic inquisitiveness in the bud:

"Google is your friend (or wikipedia)…Stay on topic, please. "

Wasn’t it nice of her to say “please”?
The question does arise as to why the Jaters were so quick to be pointing the PROXY SERVER finger, considering the average Internet user can’t define what a frakking server is, let alone a “proxy”one. Is it possible that this is the technique the Jaters have employed to cheat their asses off on every possible poll they could these many years? After all, it’s not as if the Jaters are strangers to the concept of cheating. A recent imbroglio at the Fuse, for instance, exposed cheating on some frivolous Chit Chat shipper polls. Seems there were a number of fraudulent votes, multiple IP addresses…Cheaters. And it seems that those cheaters were, ALL Jaters. Every last stinking one.
So how are the geniuses of the Couch so smugly certain that only Skaters took advantage of the equal opportunity PROXY SERVER monster? It's because they are good, you see, while we, of course, are very, very bad.
Shoegirl explains:

"And hatred, ill will, meanness, are not the things to aspire to, no matter how you wrap it or try to sugar coat it… I believe I undersatnd what happened, what is the truth. And truth, honesty, peace, ethics and honor are what I want to represent, as a fan, as a human being."

You see, Jaters aren’t just girly little shippers. They are holy warriors in the Crusade for Truth, Honesty, Peace, Ethics and Honor! This is not just fun for her, this is her life! Of course in the same breath Shoegirl managed to call Kristin “toxic”...and a liar...and she did accuse the winners in the poll of being lowlife hating cheaters. But hey, that’s just her personal style of being PEACEFUL! She never said she was against Smugness, Sanctimony or Self Righteousness, did she? It's not like she misrepresents her magnificent self. Uberimma *Latin word for Pompous Ass*

OK, it makes sense the Jaters were embarrassed. After all, this was a humiliating defeat. Since nothing whatsoever prevented the Jaters from using the PROXY SERVERS they are clearly so familiar with, the hugely disproportionate results are a stunning exhibit of just how very certain the vast General Audience is about which romantic couple they want to watch on Lost. And not all Jaters were doing the PROXY SERVER lockstep…Some of them came up with different excuses.

You could make quite a drinking game out of this, though I don't advise it. Your liver will never forgive you.

We have the “It’s only chemistry” defense:
"By the way, I don't know if it matters but the question was about best chemistry, not about best lovestory, or who you want to be with who, or anything. I often think that viewes tend to confuse Sawyer's personal sexual charm with Skate chemistry.."

There’s the “Polls don’t matter” defense:
"Stop worrying about least,the Kristin ones where you can vote all the times you want.We know what makes sense for THE SHOW and tptb said it themselves "we learnt that we have to give justice to the characteters and the story,even tho some people may not like it".. do you REALLY think that they're 'interested in the results'. LMAO! yeah,sure Kristin,they SO are. I bet right now,they're changing the plot of season 4 to give sawyer and kate some more sex. Please. "

There’s the “The General Audience loves Jate” defense:
"The "general audience" knows what's what. And the "general audience" rarely vote on those polls, if at all, because if they did Jate would blow everyone away! Those polls, and any one's from here on out, are so skewed, and the fact that it's even been admitted should make you feel better"

There's the "Good Poll Bad Poll" defense :
"If you want to see some real polls with winners, where no questionable voting was going on, let me know."
(Hey, DocLover, let us know...Please!)

There’s the “Skristin” defense:
"I was worried because the owner of the polls is a MAJOR Skater. (She is a journalist and very biased when it comes to ships on Lost.)"

There’s the “It’s all about me” defense:
"I know I didn't vote in that poll, I didn't even know about it and I DON'T vote in online polls ever because they are pointless."

There’s the “I’m very confused” defense:
"I don't think D&C would be satisfied to see that their man couple obtains only 7 %!"

And last but never least, there’s the ever ready "Jate is Fate" defense:
"Jack & Kate are IT guys... and no poll will ever change that."

Bottoms up, sailors!

So basically, Jaters don’t care about polls. You know, except when they do:
Kirsten's Poll thing is on line VOTE VOTE VOTE !!!.....

...I'>">...I say we all vote for the Sarah and Michael kiss so that the skate kiss won't win. Mwahaha......For'>">...For the best kiss I'm not sure who it was I voted for, except that it wasn't Skate, neither was best show of flesh, that went to Nathan Petreilli... ... Done my daily vote! Come oooooon Jabies!!!.......gogogogo!its'>">...gogogogo!its jexy......Voted'>">...Voted... multiple times.........I'>">.....I didn't know there's such a campaign for the Kristin's poll, LOL, but I'm helping you for a while already 'Cause I vote there for what's not Skate (And usually for what's not Lost, Anyways, guys, we REALLY have to win this category this time!!! Come on, keep voting!!!!! it deserves it, like Charlie's "greatest hits" being the saddest )........Anyways'>">....Anyways, guys, we REALLY have to win this category this time!!! Come on, keep voting!!!!!
So, we can at least assume that the little darlings were...y'know, voting!
BTW, if all your PROXY SERVERS are getting rusty and would like an opportunity to vote another quarter million times apiece, why not wander over to TWOP's annual TUBEY awards. Lost has quite a few nominations in the final ten fields, voted on from ALL member submissions - an honor in and of itself, considering the vast size of TWOP's membership and the sweeping scope of both network and cable television that it covers. So who exactly did the Non Shipping General Audience nominate over there on TWOP, the land of ultra stringent IP control, the land where cheaters are not just banned but frozen into giant ice cubes and shot into outer space to float for all eternity (or something like that)? This would seem to be a nice test of the validity of poor, slandered Kristin's results.
You can find all the links right HERE.">HERE.> You can vote for Sawyer for Favorite Character. Jack for Worst Character. Natch.Sawyer and Kate for Best Chemistry.It' b>
I know, it's kind of weird to see how closely these results parallel those of Kristin. Now the Jaters won't be able to accuse TWOP of enabling multiple votes, since voting is double restricted by membership. And they can't say it's biased since if this isn't the NSGA at work, then the NSGA simply doesn't exist. Of course, TWOP does have a different kind of unwritten eligibility requirement - intelligence, literacy and the ability to engage in argument without resorting to personal attack....So it's easy to see how most Jaters self-disqualify.
But anyway, get on over there and VOTE. Ladies (and Cactus), start your PROXY SERVERS! Vrooooom!
And speaking of TWOP........ I had quite an interesting observation looking through the episode threads recently. Come back for Part II of the Attack of the Killer Proxy Servers and I'll tell you all about it.

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