Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What Every Man Needs

Hold the phone, people. According to a Bubblehead on the Fuse, Jack having a bender and going off his nut in a delusional jealous rage at his so-called beloved in SNBH was really all about the accessories and how sexy Foxy was. Kate? Who cares.

"Oh Lordy, where does one start? The unraveling of a fine man's soul into a toxic pit of rage, fear, shame, and self-loathing, and making all of the dark, twisted self-flagellation TOTALLY SMOKIN' HOT in that gorgeous suit he's got on, elegantly accessorized with all of those lovely booze bottles. Jack elevates drunken despair and self-hatred into a fixture at Men's Fashion Week in Milan. And Foxy, my God, he kicks so much booty in this scene that all of our collective behinds are all the way across the universe by now. Please, there really is no competition here."

You've got to be kidding, right? Right?



Seriously? The booze bottles are looking better than he is in that scene.






I can just picture the adverts now:



"Hi, I'm Jack Shephard. Survivor of Oceanic 6 and all round hero.



Being a borderline abusive shit while indulging in substance abuse is hard. It takes a lot of effort to maintain my image and stay on top of the competition.


While this can help:



And this:



And these:



What every man really needs to keep his woman coming back for more, are these:



And of course...



Barring some erectile dysfunction problems, psychotic breaks and restraining orders, that's all one needs to be the smoking hot man of any woman's dreams.

When all else fails, throw away your razor. You'll be swimming in booty in no time.



Hey, it works for me. I'm Jack Shephard, doctoring the truth since 2004."


And the Bubbles accuse Skaters and Sawyer fans of being the superficial ones; slobbering all over that nasty scummy crusty hillbilly conman and ignoring what the show is all about...

...uh, yeah.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anyone who thinks that a drunk is "smokin' hot" must be smoking something.

modernxxmyth said...

People actually find that attractive?

Because being a snarky con man turned hero is just SO much worse than being a borderline abusive junkie.

Freckles said...

Awesome Fish as always!
Hot?please!In their dreams.Because that's what they based on.

Anonymous said...

Nothing like some jackfaces to get my jackworshiping butt out of 'lurkdom':)What a lovely thing to wake up to, thank you for this F!;)

tractorbeams

susan14509 said...

Give me a man in a suit surrounded by booze bottles to yell at me and it would seem just like heaven... How ridiculous that anyone could actually believe something like this. Great job again, Fish! :)

Anonymous said...

You broads know you're just dying to get up on some of that type of drugged out, alcoholic, paranoid, mean spirited, guilt-ridden, jealous snit type of loving. I mean, look at him...he looks just like he drove home from an A.A meeting. Now, that's hot! LOL!

Darbi,

Anonymous said...

I know there's nothing I like more than to find my dream man sitting in a chair in the dark, nursing dark paranoid thoughts and getting ready to question me on my whereabouts and remind me that he's the man, the only man, the best man. (Stop thinking about that damn hillbilly already!!) :D

Saska

Anonymous said...

This has to come from a woman so desperately lonely that she's reduced to fantasizing about the sexiness of smelly, abusive drunks! WTF!!!

Anonymous said...

"And Foxy, my God, he kicks so much booty in this scene that all of our collective behinds are all the way across the universe by now."

That part, I agree with one hundred percent. The rest of it: if that's what you're taking from that scene, you have to have NO empathy for Kate whatsoever. Which is kind of the basis for the whole Jater thing, since they blame Kate for everything that goes wrong with it...just like Jack does.

Maryann said...

The idea of ppl finding a drugged out alocolig and ABUSIVE character hot and sexy is truly disturbing. Seriously disturbing. And don't gimme that crap about "oh yeah what aobut the con man Sawyer crap" that usually comes after getting comments like this about Jack..the "bad boy image" is sexy as a FANTASY..but reality? The fantasy wears off in an instant.

A drugged, alcoholic DOCTOR who get ppl to write him prescribed medicine by LYING and then babysitting his newphew DRUNK, oh yeah that's some hot dude to go for..seriously that's not even a fantasy..that's sickening!

SawyerIsAColdBloodedMurderer said...

Yeah and a cold bloodered murderer is really sexy. You have to be a pretty sad woman if you find anything sexy about some who would shoot 2 defenseless men in cold blood and then strangle a man who could not defend himself.

In most countries that person would have been given a lethal injection.

Maryann said...

And you find it sexy that an abuser like Jack stalks women, hits women, attempts to kill LOCKE in cold blood, tried to bet BEN to death, leads his friends into a certain trap, steals drugs to support his habits, drives under the influence, approves of torture without any proof whatsoever, lies left and right and lies under oath in court sexy? Sure Sawyer killed in cold blood, so did Kate, so you hate her too? So did Desmond, so did Charlie, So did Sayid..I guess you hate and loathe them too, same with Jin, he threw a man who couldn't defend himself to a certain death? I guess you loathe him too but nooo saint Jack is able to wash his heands and be the allmighty hero, cos he's done nothing wrong?

Gimme a break. I don't make excuses for Sawer's crimes. He atleast feels remorse, and it was Locke that locked him up knowing FULL well what would happen. Is that an excuse? I happen to watch the show and see what happen unlike ppl who worship Jack and thinks he can do no wrong...

That to me is a pretty sad woman that anyone can find that kinda guy sexy!

Anonymous said...

To the Sawyer Obsessive (is that you, Doc?) - No one finds Sawyer sexy while he's committing crimes. That's the unsexy part of sexy Sawyer. But those lonely, creepy old broads on the fuse actualy find Jack sexy while he's guzzling his drugs and waiting in the dark to bitch out Kate. That's some kind of sick you all have going on over there.

Anonymous said...

Oh but Maryann, don't you know??? Ben DESERVED to be beaten to death for all the mean, evil things he has done to the Losties, if he was killed no one would miss his ass. And Locke, well I mean, he dared to threaten Jack's leadership, and he killed the not-so-honest Naomi in cold blood!!! Shock and horror! Of course Jack was totally right in standing over the man, pointing the gun at his head, and pulling the trigger.

I mean how can you honestly compare what these people did to a man who cons your mother, takes all your family's life savings and is the main impetus for your daddy coming home, shooting your mother and then killing himself on top of the very bed you hide under??? That is nothing. Nothing at all. Or furthermore a man who blew up a raft right from under you, kidnapped your friend's son, and then later kept you locked in a bear cage eating bear snacks and pellets????? A man who said they should have killed your friend's in cold blood instead of just bluffing.

If you carefully apply alien logic you will see that Jack was totally in the right here and he is a perfect saint.

-iamme

Maryann said...

Ah iamme when you put it THAT way..of course Jack's the saint then...all hail Jacksus ;-)

LostTvFan said...

WOW! Talk about shallow! A gorgeous suit, accessorized with an array of lovely bottles of liquor is the benchmark for a booty call on the man in question? Any woman who thinks so might want to ask herself if Mr. Smoking Hot is able to construct a coherent sentence from his toxic pit of rage, fear and shame?

Or channel all that self-loathing and care properly for a toddler? Be able to manage his dark temper and not take it out on you? Operate a motor vehicle while caught up in a state of drunken despair? Or perform between the sheets when besieged by self-hatred and twisted self-flagellation? IF he can do all that AND owns an expensive automobile, I agree, he’s definitely a keeper. Go get him girl and good luck. Just make sure you drive and he has a prescription for Viagra.

SockeRock said...

I had the unfortunate luck to be exposed to two people who were substance abusers.

My father when I was a child. Either my mother and I had to pretend we were asleep when he came home or my mother grabbed me and dragged me out of the house out of harm's way.

Then I moved in with someone I didn't know what a pill addict, and I was stuck living in that nightmare until I was able to find a job so I could get my own place and get away from that person. It was a nightmare constantly having to walk on eggshells not saying the wrong thing to set the person off and trying to hide away from the person up in my room.

To the person who thinks being a substance abuser is attractive or hot, I think the person needs some professional counseling or has never been exposed to one.

Jack, like my father and friend, are the types of substance abusers that get mean while their high. You say the wrong thing, such as Kate mentioning the S word, and they go off and get verbally abusive.

What I found most interesting is unlike what Jack fans have been claiming, he's not a substance abuser out of his guilt for all the people he abandoned. It's because Kate mentioned the S word in his presence and he once again felt he was the bestest in Kate's eyes.

Anonymous said...

For anyone that sees this....SKATERS UNITED!!! ABC.com
has posted a "favorite Lost couple" poll and the Jaters are winning (barely). We all know that they cheat like crazy so go on-line and vote for Kate and Sawyer!