Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Tales From the Fishelage: Jater Psychopathology - Posted by Sassynails

Hello there, smart kiddies.

The Sigourney Weaver Institute for Alien Species Studies offers you a complimentary course in perverse anthropology, sub-course in Jater psychology (or, to be more precise, psychopathology).

Jater is a rare and viciously fighting against inevitable extinction subspecies of Homo Sapiens, though, some bold savants prefer to classify Jater as a subspecies of a now extinct Homo Neanderthalis, due to rather disturbing similarities in neural patterns.

Jaters are mostly endemic to online boards and third world countries with unique ecological systems, which provide for flourishing of delusion, batshit and entitlement, which constitute the basis of the food chain most Jaters live off.

The first introductory lesson is about:


Jrain is a brain which belongs to a jater and today we will enlarge on some of its basic functions (however, it’s worth mentioning, that Jrain, in most cases, only demonstrates basic functions, the exceptions being Jeniuses (don’t mistake for Geniuses) and some other, insufficiently explored Jater breeds, which possess an atavistic for most Jaters set of sanity genes.

In comparison with a regular human brain, a regular Jater brain looks like this:

Normal brain (left) Jrain (right)

The Jrain is a source of a Jatemind, which is a set of delusional neural processes related to jerception, jinterpretation (or batshit twisting, in common reference), jimagination, jemories and, crucially, janguage.

While the human brain appears to have no localized center of conscious control, the Jrain has a very distinctive one. The Latin name of it goes as Cerebrus Jifae, and a more common name for it is JIF (stands for juxtaposed information fuckup, though, earlier studies of Jrain suggest that etymologically, JIF derives from Jate is Fate, which now is considered more of an obsolete religious belief that has no scientific grounds under it).

Here’s what Jrain looks like in comparison with a regular human brain.

Normal Brain


One must note, the Jrain picture here is a microscope picture version of the actual size Jrain picture.

Prominent Jrain structure features, which will allow a student to differentiate a Jrain from a human brain include:

1. Ass-crack phenomenon.

For some, yet to be researched reason, all the convolutions of the Jrain resemble ass-cracks in their shape.

2. Black out areas.

There has been registered zero or negative (digressive) activity in some of the Jrain areas, which in a human brain are responsible for learning, storing experience and coherence.

3. Batshit effect.

Living off batshit for generations of natural selection made the gray matter of the Jrain smell like batshit.

Now, morphologically, Jrain is divided into the following functional parts:

Janguage lobe, the Jrain part which is responsible for vocal organs. The peculiarity of Janguage lobe is such, that Jrain cannot process words which start with any other letters than J.
Squee area is the area, which controls emotional behaviour. Or, rather, inhibits any control over it.
Batshit channel receptors are a unique set of neural exteroceptive endings, which allow to process batshit channel signals and give feedback from the squee area. To disable these receptors a Jater has to wear a tinfoil hat.
Mad typing neural pathways. A rather complicated area of cerebral activities, which makes Jaters show an extravagant usage of smilies, ellipsis, grammar errors, thesaurus outbursts, bold, italic and caps lock in their posts.
Jexual activity is centered in the hindjrain part of the jrain. The most common stimuli for this activity are: joobies, chest fur, verbal copulation, anything connected with the figure 7%. There have also been experiments, which prove that guava seed extract affects this area of the Jrain as a heavy drug would. Also, if a stimulating electrode is implanted directly into this area of the jrain and an animation of jumping joobies is broadcasted via it, the jrain commences fountain-like production of dopamine, serotonin, endorphin and adrenaline, resulting in an extensive jorgasm.

Now, this is it for today, kiddies, collect your notes and have a good day. Our next lessons will bring out the peculiarities of Jater venom glands, Jmind patterns, such breed of Jaters as Jenius and so on.


Anonymous said...

LMAO, great, great analysis Sassy, should be in every med book :D Keep'em coming!

- Caprica

Kimmerz said...

high five!

joobies = grossies
but so true

and it's homo neanderthalensis

sorry i'm an anthropology major and sadly know these things

and fyi, neandertal's had bigger brain's than ours...

oh jate

Anonymous said...

Bigger brains you say. Hm. Yet you never run into any buying yogurt.

I see this as a huge snap on the Fiscuit haters and wholeheartedly applaud it.
I can't wait for Fiscuit's Cabin Fever synopsis; please include a screencap of Ben and Hurley chowing just as Locke exits the Cabin.

NIKSTAR1989 said...

:D that is frikin hilarious!
you always have me in stitches
keep up the great work
- Nik

Lula! said...

I've decided to read the recaps here, rather than over on Dark's site (which I adore, just so you know). Because then I won't be tempted to read all comments that thrive on hate. DRIVES ME BONKERS. Keep up the good work--always enjoy your take on things. No hating from me, ever!

James_Ford said...

I actually cried laughing...too damn funny ;o)

Anonymous said...

This is fucking hilarious. You came to fishbiscuit because you wanted to avoid comments that thrive on hate!?