Wednesday, August 29, 2007


It's an odd marketing strategy that's been adopted with DVD releases these days. Instead of releasing them worldwide to a pool of impatient, unspoiled consumers, the DVD releases are being dribbled out country by country, as if this were still the kind of world where people in the Yucatan weren't up all night tapping out conversations with people in Uzbekistan or Madagascar...or Kansas. The DVDs were released this week in Brazil and now, a few days later, anyone with a high speed connection and a Lost addiction has the whole thing stored to their hard drive, or at least the parts that interested them.

A good place to go for one stop shopping , as always, is Dark UFO, where all the On Location shorts and extras and bloopers and Easter eggs are available for your viewing pleasure. (And speaking of Mr. UFO, I'd like to welcome him over to our wacky fishpond and remind the ladies to treat him like a gentleman...He's English, you know. Be polite.)

But what we want to do right here is give a BIG round of applause to our most valiant Skater of the Week - CLARISSE! - for first transcribing and then uploading all the goodies from the I Do commentary - which shall hereafter be known as The Love Letter to Skate, preserved for everlasting posterity on the one and only official DVD for Season Three. Clarisse was singlehandedly responsible for a weeklong rush of dopamine to Skater brains all over the world. All hail Clarisse!!!!

But while we were all off doing happy dances, I'm afraid our Jater buddies were not quite as pleased. We can't really know as they all went into lockdown in those super secret hidey holes they all dive into at the first sign of bad weather...What do they do in there anyway? Sew up each other's backs? Smoke guava seeds for visions from the Oracle? Make party plans for the glorious day when the Great JIF lands in the pumpkin patch? What?

So, what was it that put all the Jaters into a medically induced coma and had all the Skaters popping corks and slapping fives? Well, it's a long story. Pull up a chair. It goes something like this:

It started almost a year ago, to be exact, about 24 hours after I Do aired in the U.S., when the many headed hydra of One Post Wonders stormed the Fuselage with torches and pitchforks screaming and raging that I Do was an abomination unlike any the world had ever seen. Now we know that almost all of these Non Shipping General Audience members that showed up to rant in Jaterese were nothing more than 5 or 6 rabid nutjobs, but apparently the Fuse mods were too busy manning the Jater Suicide Hotline in those days to do their jobs and enforce their own sacred "rules". (And yeah, half of them were our dear boy Cactus, but that was in his pre-standup incarnation, so we've forgiven him...but only him.) You can read it all for yourself if you want to. If you have a hazmat suit. And your tetanus shots are up to date. All the sewage is still over there on the Fuse, still reeking with the bitterness and viciousness of spurned entitlement that is the Jate legacy.

After all the brouhaha died down, and the Skaters had been censored and silenced and banished for the crime of trying to enjoy their own show, the Jaters gathered in the smoking ruins of the board they'd burned down and began to rebuild their Temple of Delusion from the ground up. It wasn't easy, it took awhile, they lost a few stragglers, but before the DVD release, they'd reached a state of Fat 'n' Happy about a whole ton of 'FACTS' they were carrying with them into the next Season of Jate. Unfortunately, a couple of party poopers came along. Nobody important. Just some guy named Carlton Cuse, the WRITER of the episode and CREATOR of the entire freaking show. And oh, yeah, Evangeline Lilly & Josh Holloway, two completely irrelevant ACTORS who bring the characters to the only life they will ever have. And the Temple of Delusion...came tumbling, tumbling down.


1. Everyone hated the episode, just like everyone hates Sawyer.

This "everyone" of course consists of the beleagered population of whatever town Krystal lives in somewhere in Suburbia, USA, who apparently have to fill out questionnaires every morning on their way into Dunkin Donuts regarding Jate, Skate and the Future of the World as Krystal Needs It to Be....And far be it from us to repeat again that this episode got the second highest ratings of the season or that it was also one of the top 10 Tivo'd Moments of the Year or that it was praised far and wide by any major professional media outlet you can find, but in addressing the issue of Sawyer's popularity, Carlton had this to say:

CC: "What's really interesting is when we did the, um.. right back at the beginning of the show they did all this testing, and Sawyer's character tested almost at the bottom of the likability scale among every audience..."
JH: "Nice."
EL: [laughing]
CC: "It was like, they rated all the characters from like, who do you like the most? And uh, you know, obviously characters like Jack were at the top, because Jack was sort of the hero from the get-go of the show."
JH: "Right."
CC: "Then, you know, they do it a couple of years later, and now Sawyer's right up at the very top, you know..."
EL: "Mm-hm."
CC: "And it's really interesting to see how you can completely change the audience's perception of a character as you get to know him, and obviously all the things that have happened to Sawyer and all the things that actually, you know... Getting tossed down, and beat up, and getting put through all these things, and also seeing all the personal angst and the issues that kind of led him to be the guy he is. The audience then all of a sudden finds that incredibly relatable and is really drawn to this guy, and has completely fallen in love with this guy."

What kind of Jack Show is this going to be, when Sawyer's the one most people tune in to see? Huh?

2. Kate looks at Sawyer as a,, stud for hire...but she only really loves Jack.

Now, we really never like to think too hard about what kind of families the Jaters come from when they start with that brother/sister bullshit. I know a lot of them are really young, but if you think Kate and Sawyer are acting like brother and sister, you really need to get in touch with a counselor quick. (And yes, I'm looking at you, Erica.) As for the rest of that delusion, Evi put the smackdown there in no uncertain terms.

"Because there's the cliche of the triangle. But then there's the reality and sort of the fact that this woman actually loves two different men....It's not that she decides to cheat on one, or she lusts after one and loves the other. I really believe she loves both of these men for different reasons."

3. Jack was the first person Kate stopped running for, the first person she "stayed" for.

This actually isn't in the I Do commentary but in the On Location for Every Man for Himself. Remember how Kate refused to leave Sawyer and climbed back into her cage and sat down and repeated Jack's signature platitude, "Live together, die alone"? Remember how we were instructed by the Jaters that this meant she was staying for Jack, the pure and noble spirit who guided her every move? Remember how idiotic that interpretation sounded, given what we were looking at onscreen? Yeah, well, Evi (as usual) felt the same way we did:

"The fact that she cared enough about this cowboy that drove her crazy, to get back in that cage, was incredibly significant. And I was sitting there reading and I was like, ‘Yeah!'"

4. The fact that Kate is a killer doesn't really matter to Jack, because in his godlike benevolence, he has given her a "clean slate" and now she's free to be the happiest little doctor's wife he could ever want or need.

This one got the one two whammy from good old Evi (did we mention yet how much we love this girl?).

First of all, Kate don't want to be no stinkin' housewife:

"...because there's this momentum and this chemistry between them that she can't really help. And you know, whereas she is relatively free in the flashbacks to make it happen, she's not in a cage, and she's not being forced to do labor every day it's actually more difficult for her to stay in that house and cook breakfast and be a little housewife than it is for her to break rocks and work in a quarry and sleep in a cage, and...there's all these contrast that happen, and I just love it because I think the island represents who she truly is in her heart and the flashback represents who she wishes she was."

And second, no, you can't become someone else. You are who you are, and you have to deal with that from a basis of reality:

"And that’s one of the things about the show that we wanted to explore was how freeing it could be to be released from the person you are expected to be, and be able to start clean and be whoever you want to be. And then the reality of, there’s something inside of you that is an essence that you can’t deny so that’s going to come through, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, no matter who you try to be, you will be you."

Sorry, Jaters, but that bland, vanilla Kate you crave just doesn't seem to be in the cards. Now or ever.

5. The Glass Wall scene was the ONLY good scene of this episode and showed that the only meaningful connection in the story is Jack and Kate.

This scene did get some props from the commentators. After all, it was a well acted scene. Josh praised it very highly, and also made some funny jokes during it. The guy is not only adorable, but so gracious and generous he almost seems too good to be true sometimes. But as for the Jack & Kate saga, they didn't exactly cover it with roses here. Seeing as this was the ONLY Jate scene from the entire YEAR that they commented on at all, they could have done a little better than:

"It gives you an implied sense of intimacy that isn't actually there."
Ouch. That was pretty much the only nod to Jate on the entire DVD. No comment on the Bondage Scene of Lurve. No comment on that little Mr. Rogers style "I love you" Jack tossed off that landed like a dead fish. Not even any comment on the ultra cool flash forward scene. Which is weird considering this is allegedly "The Jack Show" BWAH!!!!...Ahem. Sorry. Back to pulling down those damn pillars.

6. Kate didn't say I Love You back to Sawyer, so it didn't really mean anything.

Evi: "You know, again in contrast to the flashback, where she's got this man who's doing the exact opposite, you know, he's really really heartfelt and intense and intimate about the way he would look her in the eye and say "I love you, Monica", and it's really what sort of you imagine in the traditional idea of falling in love with someone being like. And then here on the island she's got, you know, a guy who's kind of throwing it out there flippantly while she's not even looking at him, and it seems to mean so much more for her!"

Yeah. Suck on that awhile, Jaters. I know it tastes good.

7. Sawyer just wanted to die in the end, so it wasn't even heroic.

It's always been a huge disconnect that we were all expected to pee ourselves over the heroism of this bugeyed maniac

while the profound beauty of this iconically framed moment seemed to be all but ignored.

But, like they did in so much of this commentary, Josh and Evi, who clearly care so much about the relationship between these two characters, reclaimed the passion of this scene for us and put it into the proper context:

Josh: "I remember this scene and I was so tired at this point of being beaten down. I fought with Tucker, because I really felt like I needed not to lay down and just walk out of the cage and take it, so we made that scene more dramatic, the fight not to die more significant and came out of that emotion that being constantly beat and not doing anything about it. So I really dig Tucker for having to put up with my emotion there and helping us find a way through it that makes sense."
Evi: "I think Kate and Sawyer are both fighters, you know they, neither of them -"
Josh: "That was it, it didn't make sense that we would just lay down so we had to really amp that a bit."
Evi: "I think they also both for the first time maybe in their lives have something worth fighting for. And that`s what breaks my heart in this scene, I think that Kate displayed some of the girliest qualities you ever see her display in tat scene. She`s kinda weak and wimpery about the whole thing. But for me, where that came from was that “I just for the first time maybe ever finally connected to someone and feel like I have something here, and something that 'sworth fighting for, worth living for and now you're gonna take it away.. And I feel like Sawyer is again in the same situation. This is the first time maybe ever in his life that he found someone who he can love. And now he`s about to be killed."

What...did... she.. say? Oh, no, she DIDN'T! First time? Ever? Connected with someone? The sound you hear is Jater heads exploding. At this point in the commentary, I doubt any one of them can still form a coherent thought. The entire structure is about to collapse on them, and they really need to start gathering up their belongings and getting the hell out of there fast. Because it only gets worse.

8. Sawyer is the fun weekend. Kate used him. It meant nothing. It's an obstacle. It will be over soon.

In fact, we even had our good buddy Paterooni Tunes visit us on the Fishelage to reiterate this bit of essential Delusionalia. According to this gifted child:

"skate dies next season. The memorial service to skate that is the commentary for "I Do" proves it"

This wise man is who they look to for comfort in times of need like this, remember. Unfortunately for Pat and all his many fans, the man who actually CREATES the story sees it just a tad different.

"It was great. I mean, you think about it, you know, in a show, in a television show, to basically go 55 hours before two characters who are in love (Evi in the background:“Aww, it`s beautiful.") with each other actually finally consummate and make love. It’s really amazing. And I think it was just as a starting point of the relationship, really kind of deepening it and existing in a different level. It was really a great scene."

B-b-but...It's just LUST! It was PIG PORN I tell ya! Everyone knows that!

Evi: "I was actually surprised and really pleased with the writing when I read that there was this sort of post-coital scene, because I felt like, for it to be really clear that Kate and Sawyer didn`t have just a weak moment of lust when they gave in to their desires. But that they actually have realized, physically realized something that was inside of them, emotionally. I thought this scene provided that and proved and it supported what we were trying to show in the, you know, the previous cage scene. It was really nice to read it and feel like they were honoring that, they were honoring the emotional."

Now what does this tell us about the future of our story and our characters and their relationship?

It doesn't tell us that Skate is Fate. I hate to break this to all our partying fishbitches, but we aren't there yet....Quite. Be patient, kids. We don't ever want to go down Entitlement Street. That's a very bad neighborhood.

It does remind us once again that Evi is one big ass Skater. Not that this is any revelation. Any normal redblooded woman who prizes her individuality and empowerment as a woman will favor Skate. It's only natural to prefer this :

to this :

For normal people, this isn't even a question. Sex with the man you're in love with = Good. Getting dumped in handcuffs by creepy, whiney guy who is running away with other woman = Bad. And as Evi hyperbolized recently, "99% of all the woman on this earth" prefer Sawyer with Kate. (Actually, she was a little off. I think it's probably more like 71%.) So it wasn't a revelation that Evi invests all her heart and soul into the Skate scenes, that she didn't so much as nod at any of the big Jate moments of the season she could have discussed, and that she finds the love story between Sawyer and Kate "Aww, so beautiful." We've all known that a long time. Even the Jaters whose heads are not completely up their asses have known that.

And it wasn't that much of a revelation that Carlton Cuse is a hardcore Skater either. He's always been pretty open about that, occasional bizarre PR propaganda notwithstanding. If it's true that Damon Lindelof is still a Jater then I'd just like to note that Carlton is about twice as big as Damon, and the little guy looks like prime locker stuffing material to me...j/k...But, it may well be that wouldn't even be necessary, judging from the commentary Damon does with Elizabeth Mitchell on the A Tale of Two Cities. The two of them seemed as mesmerized as the rest of us by the famous Skate chemistry:

Damon: "See, this is a perfect exemple of awesome acting, because we write the dialogue here, but all the great stuff is happening around the lines, you know, all these looks they're throwing at each other"
Liz: "Yeah, they did it, they've got an amazing thing. They are so much fun to watch."

Not only do Damon's Jater credentials seem to be in some doubt, but he's giving signs of hopping on the Jacket bandwagon as well.

Damon: "It's really nice to watch this episode and realize that essentially Jack and Juliet kinda gang up and join forces to take all these bastards out by the end of the season and this is the beginning."

And dang! Looks like that awesome Suliet story is going to be a real non starter:

Damon: "I love by the way, you know, she is totally into Jack but Sawyer’s powers do not work on Juliet."
EM: "Actually that`s really true and I wonder why that is, but it’s like this from the beginning. I think she kind of passed the whole Sawyer thing."
Damon: "He is not so interesting to her."
EM: "Jack is more interesting to her. She sees him for who he is, she gets it. Sawyer is not her thing."

Seriously, the Jaters couldn't win for losing on this one. I hope those guava joints are easing the pain.

But the main thing we learned from this is that Skate is every bit as real as we thought, and Skaters were right on in their interpretations of this episode. And just as importantly we learned, though the Jaters likely never will, that JATERS DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS STORY. They are misreading it from start to finish. All their interpretations are off. They're missing the boat. They're barking up the wrong tree. They're chasing their own tails down a blind alley... You get the picture. Their entire Temple of Delusion was built on lies they told themselves and hypnotized themselves into believing. They burned down the Fuse for nothing! Because after an entire year of them screaming and crying, the actual CREATORS of the living, breathing story just reaffirmed in no uncertain terms that the story didn't mean what the Jaters convinced themselves it meant. And what's more they used the grand opportunity of a permanent DVD release to let everyone know that guess what? This isn't the Jack Show! And Jate just isn't that important to the story. Or to the people who work on the show. Or to pretty much everyone except all the people who live in Krystal's hometown.

Going forward, this puts the Jater predictions in a little different focus. In light of this new evidence that Jaters haven't got the foggiest idea what's going on, let's guess which Jater predictions will come true in the future.

Sawyer can't be the "he" in her future because:
a. He's in the coffin.
b. The "he" has to be an evil man, which is obvious because Kate looks like a million bucks and is driving a hot car and is free to move about and meet junkies in parking lots in the middle of the night.
c. He's back on the island and that's why Kate doesn't want to go back there, cause she never wants to see that crotch rot hillbilly ever again.

Jack and Kate are Adam and Eve because:
a. The whole point of this whole story is to see Jack and Kate together. As decomposed corpses.
b. Time loops are kewl.
c. It's written in the Jible.

Kate will not be pregnant because:
a. Sun is already pregnant and two women can't be pregnant at the same time.
b. She's alive in the future, which she couldn't be if she were pregnant, because this story never evolves or changes.
c. Her eggs only accept Jack's sperm. True story.

The Jaters have had a hard couple of weeks out there. They're staggering. But we don't have to worry for them. They're a very resourceful and sturdy breed of kooks. They're already mangling misquotes and spreading them across the globe with clueless glee. People this stubborn will never be totally devastated, not while they have leaders among them who can rally them with such powerful inspiration as this:

They're echoing the Pateroonian Prophecies of Jate quite accurately. It is written in those prophecies that Jate will be shown to have been a very very plot centric ship from the beginning.

You see, Jaters? Chins up. You've got absolutely nothing to worry about!

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