Saturday, October 11, 2008

PORN 4 DUMMIES



OK, so it's been a really boring hiatus so far. The spoilers are dullsville, no one in the cast is driving drunk or getting photographed jogging in eeny peeny spandex pants, and a lot of us are morbidly preoccupied with watching the global economy swirl down into the proverbial toilet. So we can't be blamed if our concentration drifts away from fanland now and then.



But that would be a mistake. Because that's just when it happens! That's just when all the clucking chickens on the Couch crouch down in the middle of their parlor and lay the kind of big old egg that keeps us laughing for days. Our Jater of the Month is an oldie but goodie. Let's hear it for FRANCI everyone. For doing her best to put the High back in Hiatus. Thanks, Franci!


First some background. You all probably remember when the prim and proper ladies of the Couch were choking on their Jate Cake and having a gigantic group hissy fit because two characters on Lost got a little naked in a cage.



They were aghast - aghast, I tell you! - at the appearance of this revolting PIG PORN on their teevee screens. But it turns out they were all just joshin' us about how they really felt about porn.


Seems like as long as you put the porn into cartoon format, these chicks dig the porn! Who knew?



(OMG, Banshee, what are you doing????)


It kind of makes sense, given the average mental Jate age of about 12, that they'd prefer their porn in a style that reminds them of all the manga robots they draw on their notebooks in class. Porn seems so much more cheerful and wholesome when it looks like something Sailor Moon would do.


Now you may have guessed the horrible truth by now.



In order to go any further with this story, it's time to roll out the exhibits. And I am WARNING you, if you have a weak stomach, or a bad heart, or asthma, or ...eyes... then do the right thing and TURN BACK NOW!


For those of you whose curiosity exceeds your common sense (which I'm guessing is every last one of you), I now present:

JATE HENTAI!!!!


Now trust me on this, you don't want to know what Jack's doing there with his back turned.



Believe me! You don't want to know! And I'm not just talking about the children. I mean you grownups out there. For the sake of your own sexlife, tonight, tomorrow or forever ever more,



I beg you don't click on THIS LINK!



DON'T DO IT!



DO NOT!



OK you did it.



Didn't you?



I tried to protect you, but you wouldn't listen.



And now you feel like this, don't you?



Right now you're wondering what's more disturbing - the fact that Manga Jack is also hung like a hamster or that he apparently shaves his cartoon scrotum.



Maybe you're wondering why Jate Porn is just as lame as everything else pertaining to Jate.



Maybe you just can't stop shaking your head over just how desperately the grownups among these women need to get LAID.



I mean this is a serious freakin' matter.



But none of that is going to stop your eyes from bleeding over what you just saw. So go drink this and come back and I'll tell you the rest of this story.



After many glorious hours spent group orgasming in their private hidey holes, Franci brought this adorable bit of ughfuck over to the Fuse so the hidey hole rejects on the Fuse could also see it. She buried the silent but deadly stinkbomb in the junkbox of her sig line and went on her merry way. After all it's not as if the Fuse has any RULEZ about stuff like this.

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

When some eagle eyed porn detective brought this to the attention of the ever objective mods, they whisked it away with a pooper scooper, slapped Franci on the nose with a newspaper and put her in the corner.



End of story, right?

Enter Gloria Silverstein, a concerned mom from MOD EDITED, USA:



To Whom It May Concern,

As a concerned parent, I am outraged that links to obvious pornography have been allowed on your site. My 12 year old daughter **** is a fan of Lost who reads the Fuselage. In particular, she reads the 'Couch" as she calls it where people discuss the characters of Jack and Kate. Because we monitor our children's interview viewing, I was in the room when she clicked on a link to extremely graphic comic book pornography - or **Edited** as the kids call it - featuring Jack and Kate.

You can rest assured that my daughter will never be visiting your website again and neither will any of her friends. As a member of the **NAME OF SCHOLL REMOVED** PTA here in **LOCATION REMOVED**, who occasionally fills in for PTA President *NAME REMOVED** when she is unable to attend meetings, I am going to make sure that your website is banned at our local schools as well as the **NAME REMOVED** public library. I have been assured by my eldest son **NAME REMOVED** - who mind you is a well respected lawyer and recent graduate of **NAME REMOVED** - that I am within my civic rights as a member of this community to take such actions. I certainly hope that the person responsible for posting that obscene, disgusting link has been permanently banned from the board and precautions have been put in place to ensure they can never rejoin.

I have never been so appalled or disgusted by a lack of concern on a public website.

Gloria Silverstein


Well, that, needless to say, got Halfrek's attention.



She knew right away this was big. And all credit to her, she did the right thing. She blamed the mother.

I would like to point out that your child reading this site is fine to a point. While your child was not violating the rules as posting wasn't involved, I think you as a parent should realize that the majority posting here are adults. It is much like taking your child with you to a local pub. (Pub being a local bar/restaurant setting where people can eat and drink with their families.) If you go into the pub, you cannot expect every person to see your child and act responsibly....We can not take responsibility for your child's efforts to find illicit sites on their own. Goodness knows that any enterprising child or adult can easily find sites of that nature just using the Google search function. I daresay you are not sending this same type of outraged letter to Google for being able to turn up a link to that site.


And how helpful of her to explain to Gloria Silverstein the definition of a "pub"! Her work done appeasing the mad mommy, Halfrek then she ran on over to the Couch to bitch out Franci for getting her in trouble.



it is my great displeasure to have to post this to you all. recently a post was made about a certain webcomic related to Jate. said post was commented on by a few members without batting an eye, when in fact the post had all the makings of violating one of our hard fast rules about graphic content. it should have not been posted at all. it should have been reported instead of being commented upon.


Gee, wonder why she waited for the mad mommy to complain before she did her job!

And then Karri came on, swinging her billy club, and started kicking ass and taking names.


Also if your daughter is a member here, I will need her member name as we do not allow children under the age of 13 to register.


Yup, that's a very sensible policy you got there, Karri. I mean no twelve year old has enough internet savvy to know how to lie about her age on a message board. Plus those are the RULEZ. And on the Fuse, the RULEZ is the LAWZ!

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

Right?



So clearly that means Franci, the icky little Jater who brought pornography to the Fuse, has been "infracted" with a heaping helping of a full one hundred pointz. I mean usually all it takes to get banned from the Fuse is getting reported more than once by the Crazy Pants Latin Lady. Surely for such a blatant violation of a clearly stated rule, Franci would be dropkicked off the Fuse in a heartbeat. BANNED 4 EVA!!!!!



No?



No.
Halfrek,as I already told you,I'm sorry for creating this mess as I was the one bringing that pic in here but for one,I had no idea this could bring to THAT..I uploaded an innocent image on Imageshack and posted it.that was all.that link has been posted in any forum (not by me) and there was no problem with it 'cause we had no idea that some teenager could take it and find the real comic.
Franci came and grovelled a bit and they all had a kumbaya singalong where they all agreed that Franci didn't even mean to put that link in her sig. It just kind of fell in there while she was jacked up on Hentai Jate and she didn't even realize it had even happened. Halfrek assured her she was completely forgiven.
I have spoken/PMd with Franci and we have sorted it out completely. i know her original intentions were without malice.
Then Banshee came in and reminded them that Jaters are not the kind of nasty girls who (admit that they) look at porn. And Erica resumed kissing her own ass. And the choruses of group sycophancy resumed. And they all got back to their true mission...pinpointing that exact microsecond in time when they just knew, in their porn free little hearts, that the cellular connection of Jack and Kate would be the ultimate transformative experience of their lives. And everyone was happy once again.



So what do we learn from this little tale?

That the Fuse RULEZ, as we all suspected, only apply to Skaters.



That in their heart of hearts, the Couch ladies secretly Wanna B Nast-E.



And that somewhere in this world, there is someone who spent a hell of a lot of time drawing pictures of Jack Shephard's penis.



So let this be a lesson to you. The Internet is a very dangerous place. There's all kind of toxic waste out there lurking about waiting to scorch your retinas. If there's such a thing as Hentai Jate out there, then literally anything is possible. Forewarned is forearmed. So just keep it in mind and remember to stay safe out there in cyberspace.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

The spoilers are dullsville? You're obviously not reading the right ones.

Anonymous said...

Yes, cause reading 2358939th spoiler about the Oceanic 6 is soooo exciting.

Oh yeah, Jaters, still pathetic little beings. Never change.

Anonymous said...

Leave it to a group who envisions Jack's equipment as an extra large crunch bar and hate pig porn to enjoy a cartoon where Jack is equipped with what looks like a squeaky clean four year old's little pee pee. Perfect porn for Bubbleheads and their warped ideas of sexuality.

Anonymous said...

The whole entry made me laugh with tears! And those anime pictures are to funny for words. From now on that's how I'll imagine the bubbleheads look like. I can't unsee it.

- Caprica

D. J. said...

Dammit, Fish. I haven't laughed this hard in years. Thanks for that.

It's official, Jate Hentai is worse than some of that stuff I've seen with ... tentacles. Ahem. :)

Anonymous said...

Fish, you owe me a keyboard because I spit my drink all over it when I read some parts of this entry.

WOW!

There is nothing else I can say...I have really, really seen it all here today. I thought that this was funny when I was reading about it on FBL, but the way you put everything just made ti ten times more hilarious. There is a jater out there who won't be JIFFING online anymore! HA!!!!

-iamme

Anne said...

Innocent my arse. Franci didn't know? And yet all the jaters were talking about it, everywhere. On various forums, on journals etc. But hey, it's not as if Franci frequents the jate threads on Lost Forum and was posting on the same thread that the pics and link were posted. It's not as if she posted right after a several of them were discussing openly how NASTY, and NC-17 the comic was.

http://lost-forum.com/showthread.php?t=72346&page=17

Oh, wait...but she did.

Are your pants on fire Franci?

I have no doubt that the Fuse mods are aware of this, but as per usual would rather sweep it under the carpet(after all it's just a Jater, and not one of those nasty disruptive skaters) and pretend its the *mother's* fault rather than man up and enforce their rules properly.

Darbi's perfectly reasonable post that magically got poofed from the Fuse lickety split:

"This is just my opinion, and I realize that there's no way moderators of a fansite can moderate everything all the time, but instead of calling into question this understandably upset mothers parenting skills, or suggesting to her what she should do to keep her child from following a link to a site that never should have been posted on this PG rated board to begin with, would be by reassuring the mother that this offense was handled appropriately because the poster was banned. In reading her comment, as forward and emotional though it may be, I believe that's all the reassurance she was/is looking for.

Anime pornography? No one that posts here is that clueless. Again, JMO."

The Fuse mods once again show how CLASSY they aren't.

Anonymous said...

HAHA, Jate Porn?!! Shouldn’t the jate fan virgins start out with a sex scene (thank god TPTB spared us from the real deal) before they get out of hand actually creaming over manga-porn?

And what about that mum? A grown up woman actually bothered writing an angry mail about it? Well, only in America. And Iran.

Great post, Fish! As always. :)

Anonymous said...

Gloria Silverstein is one sexy woman. Mazel Tov!

Ann said...

They were aghast - aghast, I tell you! - at the appearance of this revolting PIG PORN on their teevee screens. But it turns out they were all just joshin' us about how they really felt about porn.
Joshin' us. Good one Fish, since their hatred of Sawyer's (Josh's) sexuality is one of the major focuses of their nasty spite. It's going to be hard for them to regain the moral high ground after lusting over nothing more than a cartoon drawing of Jack's hairless shortcomings. Bitching in the future about how worthless shirtless, sexy Sawyer is, when we know their little minds are on what's dangling between Jack's legs, should give them pause. Such blatant hypocrites deserve to be mocked.

As for The Fuse mods, no surprises there, just more of the same old, same old. Warm cake for the Jaters, cold bread for the Skaters. We are so lucky TPTB keep heating up and buttering our bread for us, while their cake just gets colder and staler, episode by episode, season by the season. Let’s hope they all choke on their just desserts while we dine on a seven course dinner.

susan14509 said...

I can't stop laughing!!! You have outdone yourself on this one, Fish! Jaters are sick and pathetic, but they sure keep us entertained!

Anonymous said...

Fish, thanks for the hilarity. Just when this hiatus was about to hit a brick wall with how dull its been...BAM! Here come the Jaters delivering up the funny and disturbing like no one else can. Bravo to them. Bra-vo!


Darbi,

LostTvFan said...

Nice job Fish! We can always count on the Jaters to bring the funny and on The Fuse mods to step in shit.

"I have problem with my intime...parts." Kate's speaks English like Lucy Ricardo.

One question, what exactly are my intime parts? Just in case I have (a) problem with them?

Anonymous said...

I don't think you want to know about your intime parts since the cure seems to involve Jack's naked 7%.

Maryann said...

This killed me Fish..lmfao!!! Great FB entry there!!

Freckles said...

Fish,you're the best!I can't stop laughing.
Jaters are really sick!

SockeRock said...

I'm proud to say I didn't click that link. I wanted to finish reading the post first. Glad, I did. That's not something I want to see when I just woke-up.

Aren't these the same women claiming because Sawyer walked out of the ocean au naturel, he was sexually harrassing Kate? Even though he didn't know she was going to come around at that exact moment so he could wave his Johnson in her face.

I haven't been reading the spoilers, myself, even though I generally leap on any spoiler, I thought because I wanted to wait until the show started airing again before reading spoilers. Now I'm wondering if because the few spoilers I did real were pretty all about the Craptastic Six.

I'm sorry, but I got sick of them by the seventh episode last season. I think they're the reason the show's ratings dropped. I don't think I'm the only one who got sick of having those same characters shoved down our throats ad nauseam.

I had a feeling by what you said about why Jack had his back turned, it was because he was playing tug of war with himself. I have no desire to know the rest.

Don't go to The Fuselage, but a board I do go to has two Jack/Jater mods and the Jack/Jate fans pretty much get a free pass on everything they do. They can bash Sawyer fans, but the Sawyer fans have to mind their p's and q's or the bias mods come after them.

Anonymous said...

SockeRock: Your board experience is fairly typical. How did the Jack and Jate fans end up in charge of all the major Lost boards? Humorless control freaks all. Sawyer and Skate fans are just having fun. Sometimes that means kicking butt and taking names. Go Fish!

Anonymous said...

You're probably talking about Dark UFO's forum, Sockerock. They have BELLA there as a mod. She's not only a Jack/Jate obsessive, she's as dumb as a rock. And she's got the passive aggressive nastiness that almost all Jaters and Jackers have. That board started out good but by hiring someone like her, they doomed it before it even opened. It's a worthless board, like most Lost boards. I think only Lost-tv and TWOP have anything worth reading any more.

SockeRock said...

I was trying not to name the board, but that's the one I meant. This Sawyer fan and I were having an honest debate about Jack's flaws and she got into it with Bella and her hypocrisy and then she just disappeared. I'm guessing she got banned. Bella always says to email her privately if you have a problem and not to discuss any problems with the mods on the board, but a fat lot of good that's going to do.

I have no clue how so many of them got into positions of power. It's too bad, but if you don't say anything about Jack they leave you alone. Like the island is the real main character, not Jack. Or that Jack let the Marshall suffer needlessly even though he knew the man was going to die anyway.

Anonymous said...

great entry fish! Loved it. I clicked the link and....i wish i hadn't.

socke: about SpoilerTV, its not that bad ya know. Yeh bella is a mod, but she's not that bad really. And Pangy (PenguinJosh) hates jack and he is one of the best mods there are. TLA recently got promoted to mod and he is lovely, and a sawyer fan. Dharmaggedon is seniar staff and he is a big sawyer fan. Its not all that baised over there.

Anyway, great suff as usual fish keep it up! *thumbs up*

Isa :)

Anonymous said...

oh and p.s: skaters come and post in the new 200+ reasons why skate is endgame thread!

http://spoilertv.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=76&t=3861

Although, i'd bet my life that within a few days jaters will copy the idea and do a pathetic jate one. With the crappiest reasons ever!

Isa :)

Anonymous said...

Of course they will copy it, Jaters never have an original idea but they love to steal them from Skaters. Remember Leah Kate's amusing Top Ten list they cribbed and more recently taking that post about how abusive Jack is and trying to make Sawyer appear abusive. The Bubbles have been photoshopping Skate scenes into Jate ones ever since CM. No wonder they are so in love with this little piece of originality...finally something of their own, comic book Jate porn.

WJay said...

dear God ... why?

Anonymous said...

LOL! It's simultaneously disgusting and hilarious. Only Jaters.

Rove3

Anonymous said...


Aren't these the same women claiming because Sawyer walked out of the ocean au naturel, he was sexually harrassing Kate?


Whaaaaat? Did they miss the part where Kate stood her ground and smiled while he walked up to her? Pffft. She was so checking him out.

Never have I ever seen a more batshit bunch of shippers.