Thursday, December 4, 2008

WE'RE GETTING THERE!



It's still a ways off, but if you squint real hard and look into the distance, you can almost see the new season of Lost on the horizon now, getting a little closer and closer each day. And for Skaters, the nuggets of gold are starting to pile up as the floodgates of promos and spoilers start to open. Suddenly we've got lots to digest and lots of games to play.

Like this one, which I'll call INTERPRETATIVE PICTURES 101:

Who remembers back to when our Jater buddies were having a squee-fest over this promo picture



because it showed Jack and Kate ZOMG! standing together! In the middle of the picture! And Soya and JuJu are like totally off to the side, like mirror images of the LOOSERZ they are! Unfortunately for the Jaters, it turned out that was an unused promo photo from LAST season.



But maybe there were some clues in there. Except for Sun, all the characters in the middle got off the island. And the sicky relationship of Jack and Kate did get extra icky last season. And, you know...Michael. So maybe these promo photos are useful as clues.

What then to make of this Official Season Five Poster?


Hmmm, velly intelesting. This time no one's in the middle. Does that mean Jack isn't the center of the Lostverse any longer? And looky there! Sawyer is front and center on his side, almost as if he and Jack are...gulp!...equals. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? How can this be? Doesn't the whole world tune in to see The Jack Show, so they can hyperventilate over his soggy abs and hilarious Jack faces? What is Lost coming to?


But of course that's not the most noticeable thing about this poster. As a matter of fact, the most noticeable thing, the thing that pops out at you like a porn star's big pierced boob...is the very first thing that was noticed by the non shipping fans at CinemaBlend
Here’s what we’ve come up with so far after taking a closer look:
(1) Kate and Sawyer peering directly into each-other’s eyes.

Of course what do they know? Jaters had their own creative explanations for Kate's twisted head pose and the furtive direction of Sawyer's eyes. Kate was checking out the zit on Jack's neck, thinking about how she'd like to pop it for him. Sawyer was thinking "I'm so glad Jack took Kate off my hands so she and I can just be friends."


An alternate interpretation might be, just possibly, that Season Five is going to heavily feature the highly anticipated reunion of Lost's hottest pair. The ones with the secret that's still just between them.



In fact, if you draw a line across this poster and fold it nice and straight, like origami, you can actually make a geometric shape that looks like this:


But, nah! In Jateland, a/k/a Youtube Lost, all such bad thoughts are easily washed away in a blink of the photoshop. Jack and Kate are still front and center, and Lost is still all about and only about...their utter dreaminess:


The Jaters are, if nothing else, masters of the art of denial.

But wait! What to make of THIS????


Another goddamn promo picture and this time the gang is all together. And Jack is off to the side! Next to Juliet! And look who is in the center NOW!

(credit to deej)

Whatever can this mean? What is wrong with ABC? Why are they promoting those pig porners again? B-b-b-but didn't Josh Holloway say the helicopter kiss was closure? W-w-w-wasn't that a farewell peck between good old friends?


Come on! If we can read one poster, we can read them all. Clearly our beautiful Sawyer and Kate are the only ones posed on the COUCH, in the dead center of the poster, just so ABC could send a nice ironic Fuck You to the COUCH Matrons we all know and love. But there's other clues as well. Like, apparently Lost isn't going to be set on an island next year at all!

It looks like it's going to be resituated to take place in beautiful downtown Greenpoint from now on.


Desmond and Sayid are coming out of the closet this year, to admit their love that dare not speak its name.


You can see it's already getting Sayid hot.

Daniel is going to spend Season Five getting pushed around in a wheelchair, because, as you can see, his foot came off!


(I hope Bernard gets to push him!)

They wasted so much money on Matthew Fox's salary this year,


that poor Michael Emerson has to get his makeup done at the mortuary.

Jack is going to switch to Coke this year.



Please let him have a little rum in it! Please!

These are going to be the Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse this coming year.



Which is good. Matthew Fox is at his best acting against other men. And we know who Josh Holloway is at his best acting among:


By George, I think ABC finally got it!

You know they'll never admit it, but both these promo shots made the Jaters feel like this:



There wasn't much point in trying to spin this, but you can always rely on one of the brilliant Jaters at Lost Forum to give it a shot:

If we really wanna overanalyise that picture, look at Kate and Juliets posture Both are in similar positions but Kate has her legs crossed away from Sawyer and she looks closed off from him, whereas Juliet is angled towards Sawyer which I find rather interesting. She is leanging away from Jack towards Sawyer.I know it probably means nothing but its a laugh and my Media A Level is causing havoc in my brain


Good job, kid! I think you're going places. Forget your Media A Level. You get an A+++ in BubbleThink.

HOWEVER it's not as if Interpretative Picture Reading is our only diversion these days. It's a fun one, because we know those posters are seen by millions of walkers and drivers and bus riders and magazine readers in every city and town across America, whether they're looking for them or not. But that's not the only way Lost reaches out to the masses. There's also those parts of Lost promotion that are seen by...dozens. Basically the loyal readers of the Lost Magazine, which costs all of $6.99 and requires only a third grade reading level. (Although our BFF Flyer61055 did helpfully post the entire freaking issue on the worldwide net, so now NO ONE has to go buy it at all!)

In any case, in case you missed it, I bring you:

PART 999,999 OF EVI'S ENDLESS LOST MAGAZINE INTERVIEW


Evi, you're a star now, girl. Did you have to sign some bum contract where you agreed to talk only to this shitrag of a magazine?

Anyway, the Jaters found much squee in this interview, and you can just imagine the booby bouncing frenzy they displayed over Evi's headscratching inability to comprehend even the basics of her own story:
I also see her bond with Jack is actually stronger than the bond with Aaron, even though it doesn't appear to be that way right now.


However, I think if you had a peephole into their hidey hole, Jater and Jacker alike, I think when they held their daily quorum, they all agreed that this was the goldstar quote from Evi Lilly:
"But I find it interesting that heroes come in all forms, shapes and sizes. Kate has managed to quietly walk around behind Jack and clean up his messes, support him, as well as mess things up for him and make things more difficult for him [laughs]!But I feel like she is his right hand man in a beautiful way, because in a platonic way, she's his lieutenant. She serves him by being connected to the community and is a bridge to the people that don't understand him. She is almost like the consultant to the king."

You see, these chicks dig walking after men picking up their shit. They find it HAWT. And what's more, they totally squee over the idea of being a permanent second class citizen to him!
Consultant to the KING?!?!
TOO GOOD. Foxy must be teaching her well.
She can't be the top dog, but she's the next best thing damnit!
LMFAOOOO.
THE KING.
THE KING.
THE KING.

*giggles her way into bed*

We shouldn't waste too much time on this, but just enough to remind our loyal Jater readers that when you put yourself in that position underneath and behind a sleazy alcoholic pill freak like King Jack, the throne you actually end up cleaning is this one:


But it's a free world. Who are mere geese to judge the submission fantasies of those awesome Jate chicks? As we can see, they're great fans of ours after all.
LOL. Poor geese. Cry me a river, bitches. :P


So, let's just have fun together, geese and bubbleheads. Come on. It's almost the holidays. Let's do.....

...CONTESTS!

AOL thinks Josh Holloway is the hottest bad boy of all time! Of all time! It's like he's Muhammed Ali or something!

And we commend King Foxy as well, on coming in...um...somewhere way down in the middle of the list someplace. But he did come in first in another media contest. Just weeks after TVGuide named Jack and Kate No. 6 on the list of "Worst TV Couples Ever", Cinemablend put them all the way in First Place! of the "Worst TV Romances"
Writers, you had your chance with Jack and Kate. They started as the alpha team of the island, leading everyone while tenatively flirting amongst themselves. We even rooted for them. But as soon as you transformed Sawyer into a decent person, and made him moon over Kate, the love triangle turned into a stupid, filthy mess. You're not fooling anyone. Everyone knows Kate and Sawyer are meant to be, and Jack should've jumped off that bridge when he had the chance. At this point you've made Kate so annoying, he should've taken her with him. Way to destroy a good thing, guys.

Not sure if that's Worst TV Romances Of All Time or not, but still....Awesome Job!

We also had our first


and it was worth the wait. We see that the threats on Aaron's life have begun, which was inevitable from the minute Jack threw the O6 under Ben's bus. And we got to see a much missed glimpse of badass Kate, grabbing her gun and her stash and saying goodbye (hopefully for good) to goddamn taco night.


Of course the Jaters got their squee on with this one as well and have been burning up the message boards creaming their orange panties over this screenshot:


You might think the symbolism of the picture was that Kate was leaving behind her failed attempt at making Jack care about his nephew. You might have noticed she didn't grab it or look at it or seem to find it remotely important. You might have been reminded that this girl knows how to take care of herself.


But if you were a Jater, you could have found it one more way to feed that fave Jate fantasy: Kate the helpless femme who needs her big, brave Jack to pwotect her frail, itty wittle self:

I think that was part and parcel of the significance of the picture. He was the missing ingredient. He's the missing part of the family. She needs him. Crisis hits, you go to what you know, what's in your heart and soul, what you need to make it through. Jack is her salvation. While she may not take Aaron with her, from the spoilers we've heard, I reckon Kate will run to Jack. She always has after all

You really have to wonder if any of these dopes bothered to catch the whole subplot where Jack was a big, mean old bag of drug addicted DOUCHE????


If Kate's relying on that as her salvation, then I guess we're meant to think that Kate is truly, way deep down, completely retarded.

We got another present, when a fan snapped a picture of the cast and crew hanging out together, having craft service. Here we have Evi, Josh, Jorge and Naveen hanging with the hoi polloi:


And here we have Mr. Grumpy Supersize My Salary. You can see he gets a kingsize spork to eat with. And I guess he gets to eat at the gold plated picnic table also.


By himself.


To top it all off we had a few words from our leaders. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse had an Interview at the Screenwriting Expo where they stated the obvious, just one more time, for those really dense fans who haven't managed yet to suss this one out:

Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse speak at Screenwriting Expo ....

* Sawyer is the Han Solo of Lost, so they named him (James Ford) after the actor who played Han Solo (Harrison Ford)


Duh.


And they gave us their favorite moments. This was Damon's:


And this was Carlton's:


Writing the first draft of the scene where Sawyer kisses Kate and jumps from the helicopter was one of those great moments you strive for as a writer, where I felt like I was literally right there in the moment with the characters. I could feel the wind blowing, the chopper blades thumping, and the palpable anxiety about the fuel streaming away from the chopper. Making the decision to jump was such a cathartic moment for Sawyer, and such a culmination of his journey so far on the series – here he was giving up his girl and his chance to return to the outside world. As a writer, your best efforts happen when you’re able to channel your emotions straight onto the page. I felt a rush of emotions as Sawyer whispers his secret to Kate, kisses her, and then leaps from the open door, freefalling 100 feet into the water. I almost forgot I was typing as I watched Sawyer bobbing there in the ocean as the chopper vanished from sight.

And then at Doc Artz's Roundtable, Damon neatly tied it all in together with this quote:
We’re concerned, too! I think everyone, writers and fans alike, feels the show is at its best when our characters are together… but the fact of the matter is that the story is constantly twisting and turning to keep them apart. Let’s face it — Absence makes the heart grow fonder… but there’s nothing sweeter than a reunion. All we’re willing to say at this point is that if we were to spend the ENTIRE duration of Season Five with the Oceanic Six trying to get back to the island, we are fully aware that the audience would strangle us.

So, yeah, it's all starting to come together. There's something big coming up. And the question remains, for us Skaters, whether we're setting ourselves up for another fall. After all, Kate and Sawyer are in entirely different worlds now, different dimensions even, and have been for many years. And after all, if our fanboy friends and Jater pals are to be believed, Sawyer has no part in the mythology and he and Kate were never more than fuck buddies. Right? So what can we hope for? What do we have to look forward to?

****BIG BIG ASS SPOILER ALERT****

Well, I'm sure I can't tell you. The writers door is clamped shut and the spoilers that are leaking out are far between and incomprehensible. However, the door did just swing open for a blink of an eye recently,



when a fan found a bit of A CALL SHEET that contained these very intriguing words:

EXT JUNGLE/CLAIRE'S BIRTH AREA
Sawyer post-flash/Claire and Kate are gone.

EXT JUNGLE/CLAIRE'S BIRTH AREA
Sawyer sees Kate helping Claire give birth.


On set were Codes "2,8,10PO,Infant Aaron" which translate to Evangeline Lilly, Josh Holloway, Emile DeRaven's stunt double and one of those disposable Aaron babies. In other words, boys and girls, we are going to get a scene where Sawyer on the island has a flash to another time frame. All the people around him will melt away and he will witness a breathtaking scene: Kate. Bringing Aaron into the world.

Aaron.


The child Sawyer saved.


The child Kate loves.


The child Jack is related to, that he's not supposed to raise, that he basically wishes would just friggin disappear, ferchrissake.


And there are still people out there who think the triangle is over?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahahahahaha! Brilliant post Fish, the laughing cat is definitely the cherry on top. Haven't they learned anything? It doesn't matter who stands next to who in the posters, what matters is the storyline! And from what I gather the island chose to fundamentally link Sawyer and Kate to Aaron, something that Jack's not. Maybe the jaters should think about that, instead of over-analyzing horribly executed posters, by the same guys who think Ben is Juliet's husband.

- Caprica

LostTvFan said...

Beautifully done Fish. The hiatus has been like a warm basket of fresh muffins for Skaters while Jaters have gotten cold slices stale cake. How they can continue to spin anything in their favor, let alone claim they deserve for the story to turn out as they wish is just hard to comprehend.

Best part of the new promo picture: Kate and Sawyer alone on a COUCH! Have TPTB stuck it to Doc, Krystal, Erica and their pals on that famous sofa again?

Anonymous said...

Ms.Fish. Oh, how I've missed your wit! This hiatus has been brutal, but I have to give it to the Bubbles, they've made it quite entertaining. Thanks for a well timed chuckle. Keep 'em coming. ;-)

Darbi,

Anonymous said...

Brilliant....as usual.

And Sawyer and Kate on the COUCH pwns. Those poor little Jaters can't even have their own thread title in peace.

rove3

Anonymous said...

You've really nailed how the Jaters and Skaters are just two totally different kind of fans. Not only are Skaters smarter, they're also watching the whole show. Jaters are only really Matthew Fox obsessives. They don't give a damn about Lost.

I don't even think they believe their own crap about submissive women. They probably wouldn't let anyone treat them the way Jack treats Kate. Who would? She's a groveling disgrace around him. I think it's just that Jaters could care less about Kate. They're watching the Jack show, or youtube Lost as you put it. They aren't fans of Lost, just of Jack and Matthew Fox.

Anonymous said...

You have no idea how true that is (that they only watch for Jack). Just check out this shit. Don't read the comments though unless you want to read how Bella made an old bf come in his own mouth. It's no wonder these women end up talking only to each other.

WHY does Jate attract such sick twisted women? It's like they find each other from across the universe, just the dumbest, nastiest, most demented lonely freaks on earth.

Freckles said...

Fish,you're always the best.Great review.
The hiatus is always hard to face,but fortunately the Bubbles are always entartaining with all of their batshit opinions.

Isabelle said...

Great post Fish! I am so excited about skate in season 5!

And skate on the couch! LOL. Gotta love it.

Morcegos no Sótão said...

I actually felt that Sawyer in the middle of Juliet and Kate hints to future Suliet&Skate scenes... Buy you never know. =P

Great post! 45 days to go!

MJNuts

Hamburgo1001 said...

I think it's safe to say that there will be some Sawyer and Juliet interaction next season but it won't be anything romantic, contrary to the Jaters hopes and wishes.

Maryann said...

Fish you kill me lol, yet another brilliant post there! I always look fwd to new entries on your blog and you've yet to disappoint me!

Missunderstood said...

FB!

How do you do it girl!? You find the most demented JATERs and JATER comments out there though to be frank it is not that hard seeing as you'd have to be one sandwich short of a picnic basket to ship them.

More power to you girl! I love love love your stuff and I can't wait to read more!

Although I must warn you that I might get fired for reading your stuff at work and bursting out loud laughing on my own... heh.

DULCE

Anonymous said...

"Mr. Grumpy Supersize My Salary."

HAHAHAHAHA!!! That cracked me up! XD He does look incredibly pissed off.

Thanks for the great post, it certainly perked me up on this shitty, cold evening. :D