Biology is Destiny
or
The Killer Within

Ah, all the parents out there remember that moment. When they show you a flickering Rorschach test design on an ultrasound screen and assure you that the indecipherable blob you see is in fact your flesh and blood and pride and joy.



It's a happy moment,



but it's scary too.



Pregnancy is scary, what with the massive weight gain and the loss of youth and freedom and the endless visits to chambers of horrors



to be repeatedly tested for things like preeclampsia and toxoplasmosis and hyperemesis gravidarum (well, actually that last one is morning sickness, but it sounds scary, doesn't it?). Childbirth is even more scary, the whole mindbending concept that something huge and living and screaming is going to push its way out of your body through an absurdly small hole approximately 1/100th its own size. It ain't easy becoming a mother. And it's especially not easy on the Island of Mystery, where Sun learned to her great dismay that among the many natural wonders of this shithole of a tropical paradise is that - for reasons yet to be explained (hopefully!) - on this utterly delightful island, pregnancy is a terminal disease. 100% of the time. The child is not the father to the man on this island. He's the assassin to the mother.

It would seem that our ever creative writers have found a new riff on an old Lost favorite. We have seen how sex on this show equals death - for women. Seemingly only for women. It seemed sad that Shannon and Ana Lucia had to pay such a heavy price for mere orgasms. But it could be that in fact they were the lucky ones. Because killing off the sexually tainted women wasn't cruel enough for these writers. They want them to suffer, slowly, painfully, and to taste the dread of impending death before they go. What's more they'll have to drag their own child into the grave with them. And what have these arrested adolescent writers created as the instrument of death for these gals?



SUPER SPERM!!!!

Although it's yet a mystery what Super Sperm is all about. Is it just a LOT of sperm? Or is it really eeeeevil sperm? Or is it just sperm that's so big and goofy it doesn't know how to make a viable baby?



Whatever it is, this stuff is not good. It's a teenage boy's potency fantasies on acid is what it is.

Now Sun has come a long way from the meek, innocent herbalist she seemed to be in Season One, kowtowing to her abusive unilingual husband from hell. She was the one to save Shannon from suffocating when Jack thought a better plan was to rip off Sawyer's fingernails... But she was also the one who poisoned Michael...We knew she was an adulteress who cheated on Jin. We know she's very good at keeping secrets and this week we learned she's kept more than one from Jin. She never told him his mother was a prostitute. Or that it was in fact Sun that got him the big invite into the wonderful world of breaking knuckles and shaking down failed businessmen... We know pretty, bony Sun is not the China Doll she appears to be.



We know she has always been a warrior. She fought her own personal Bad Daddy.



She fought Jin's Bad Mommy.



She fought Jin.



And now she's fighting

DEMON SPERM!



It seems as if Super Sperm are going to become an important virtual character here in the morality play known as Lost. And it should be interesting to see how they make this work. After all, we're dealing with writers who had a fertility specialist ask a woman when she last had sex as a way of inquiring about her due date. If she had sex last night, is she one day pregnant? Seriously, did these geeks learn their sex ed from South Park? It's a little unnerving to think this plot line lies in the hands of men who faint at the word menstruation but either way, we're stuck with them. And with...



Now who is going to figure out the cure to the Super Sperm? I'm thinking it won't be Juliet, since she doesn't even know to ask Sun when her last period was. And it's unlikely to be good Doctor Redshirt



who managed in his blissfully few minutes of screentime this week to not only freak Sun out and steal her shovel (!) ... but who is falling hugely short on his public information responsibilities. Shouldn't he be warning all the horny couples that The Super Sperm are Coming! The Super Sperm are Coming! JUST SAY NO!!!!!



oops...Too late!

Well, we can all see this is going to be a huge mess. The doctors are useless. And this island has a mind of its own and that mind is firmly set on Abstinence Only for family planning purposes. And I think we aaaaaalll know how that tends to work out. So, we leave that story for now in the hands of the sex ed challenged geeks who write Lost, cross our fingers - and our legs - and turn our attention to the other development this week.

A Failure to Communicate



Helicopter Girl speaks in tongues. Random languages spill from her lips. And while Hurley was able to translate her Spanish that she was dying, no one understand her Chinese or her Esperanto or whatever else she was saying. And Desmond was freaking desperate to understand her.



He was manic. In fact, he was downright shifty. Letting Mikhail toddle off back into the jungle after saving Helicopter Girl's life? Even after he stole the phone she brought???? Although we are used to such monumental stupidity on this show, that still stood out as exceptional. Exceptionally suspicious. What is Desmond up to here? I'm a fan of Dark Jack myself, and dearly hope the writers are kind enough to give us that, but I'm starting to think there's a possible case to be made for Dark Desmond as well.

Mikhail came running out of the bushes to the site of the flare.



It was almost - dun dun dun dun - like he was expecting someone. The someone who Desmond thought was coming from Penny to rescue him. Can Desmond possibly be that naive to think Mikhail's sudden appearance, risen from the dead no less, was a happy accident?



Like Mikhail's miraculous lifesaving talents



(er...why do we need Dr. Dickhead again? Personally I find Mikhail's charming one eyed charisma far more riveting to watch.) And, although the 99.9999% of Lost fans who don't go online will have missed it (serves them right), it turns out that Helicopter Girl gave Mikhail a message in Portuguese that he mistranslated as Thank You. But what she really said was "I am not alone." And that is pretty freaky. Where are the rest of them? Does Mikhail know who the rest of them are? Why they're coming? Do they really believe that all the passengers on 815 died in the crash? And most importantly, do any of them have the antidote...



...for Super Sperm?

Time is running out. Super Sperm may seem funny now, but just wait. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they aren't the most dangerous thing yet on Creepy Island. I think I'd rather take my chances with a polar bear than with one of these guys...