ATTACK OF THE STALKER GEESE

It was brought to our attention on the Fishelage this morning that a good friend of ours -the perpetually angry FLYER61055 who also posts at SpoilerTV as the passive aggressive poster child, KATIEB - was having a little bit of a meltdown at an emergency meeting of the Society of Matthew Foxy's Matrons:

A Message for My Stalker Geese

Dear stalker geese,

I was not banned from the Fuselage, I asked Karri nicely to please delete my account without giving a reason or explanation, just a kind please and thank you for your trouble and the "ZOMG you are banned for life" was the response I got because they are drama queens at the Fuselage. As much as I would love to be as big of a loser as you are and spend all my time hating a fictional character as well as the actor that portrays the character and wasting the rest of my time obessing over what a bunch of losers like yourselves have to say I'm afraid I will just never be able to match any of you on the loser scale.

The only time I read your babbling nonsense is when someone pollutes my board with it. You know that private forum that you can't get to and it pisses you off because you're just sure we're spending all of our time trashing Sawyer or Josh Holloway. I can assure you that Sawyer and Josh are never brought up. We tend to spend our time discussing the characters we find interesting and Sawyer stopped being interesting about 3/4 of the way through season 1. As much as I'd love to hate Kate as you say I do, I can't exert that much energy into caring about her one way or another and I don't think I've ever wanted JATE to win, win, win. Win what? For the last time you silly geese, I am a Jack fan...............PERIOD. I don't care which woman warms his sheets and truth be told, ask anyone who really knows me, I do prefer Juliet over Kate, but I don't let Jack's relationships influence my enjoyment of the show.

I realize that after years of honking mercilessly and believing your nonstop babbling and being constant agitators would actually influence the direction the show would take only to finally have to accept that MF is the star of the show and isn't going anywhere must've been difficult for you, but honestly, do you really have nothing better to do with your time then hate on people? It's so pathetic.

I will say that I do hate every nasty and vile thing you represent and enjoy every bit of misery the show bestows upon you, because you do deserve it, but I don't seek out and read the nonsense you post on public forums and I don't have a membership to FBL (Frightening Babbling Lunatics). If I did, I'd post this message to you there, but being anywhere near FBL makes me feel very dirty and in need of a shower so I stay very far away.

I do often wonder how people spend their days being so awful and miserable. I think that would be exhausting and I can't imagine why you continue to tune into a show that you hate so much. Was Sawyer's hour of screentime last season really worth the obvious misery you seemed to be in? Is Sawyer's hour of screentime worth more of the same misery? Wouldn't it be easier to just wait for the DVDs and FF through the actual show, which is what most of you seem to do anyway.

I'm really not an interesting person and am certainly not worth the time you spend discussing me. How big of a loser does one have to be to have nothing better to talk about than me?

OUCH!

I think it was really sweet of the Flying Katie B to send us all a letter and I can partly see her point, especially the part about not being so interesting. She does sound like a really mediocre overaged fangirl addicted to a really bland middle aged actor. Still I can't help but have a few questions.

1. If she wasn't BANNED from the Fuselage, why was she ZOMG BANNED? For being so polite to Karri? And why did she ask to be removed? Couldn't she just, like, quit posting there? What? She couldn't control herself unless they removed her name from their rolls?

2. She thinks it's pathetic to hate on people, but she does "hate every nasty and vile thing you represent"...So...um...she finds herself pathetic then? 

3. If she doesn't pollute her beautiful mind with geese droppings, why did she pour out that frantic screed less than two hours after these posts on the Fishelage (most of which she has copied verbatim):

Since getting banned at the Fuse, I guess Flyer/Katieb has decided to fight with DarkUFO instead. What a loser.

I think she hates Kate but hates Skaters even more. She wants Jate to Win Win Win, not because she enjoys them, but because she desperately needs to have the "geese" lose. Same with Claudia. They're both obsessed with geese it seems, maybe even more than they are with Lost.

I'm sorry Flyer feels so frightened by us, but maybe one of her genius buddies can explain to her that this is the internets...we're all virtual peoples here and there's no meanie Geese hiding under her bed. Personally I'd be more nervous hanging around with the kind of looney old kook who has homicidal fantasies like this one (from  the most pretentiously grandiloquent of them all, The Sacrifice the Island Demanded):

I want to marry this post. No, I want to copy it 1,000 times, and enter into polygamous marriage with every one of them so I could have them all in one glorious goose-killing harem of joyful sanity. No wait, I would keep one out, then take it to a laboratory, and pay a scientist to distill it down to its essence, bottle it in a spray, carry the spray in my purse like mace, and spray it in the face of every one of the fucking daddy-hating, emotionally stunted, sex-starved, double-digit IQ, basement-dwelling morons you are discussing in your post.

Come on Katie B! With a Frightening Babbling Lunatic like that as your friend, you're honestly afraid of ...GEESE?

We're not buying it. We know you're just jealous. We're flattered that our good opinion means so very, very much to you and it's easy to see why that is. We actually get to have fun and we don't have to hide out in stinky old hidey holes. We don't even mind that you stalk us and hang on our every word. But you don't need to be hating on us, Katie girl. Come on up. Don't crawl around in hidey holes. Fly out in the open like a Goose! The air's much sweeter at our altitude. 

Read more...

PORN 4 DUMMIES

OK, so it's been a really boring hiatus so far. The spoilers are dullsville, no one in the cast is driving drunk or getting photographed jogging in eeny peeny spandex pants, and a lot of us are morbidly preoccupied with watching the global economy swirl down into the proverbial toilet. So we can't be blamed if our concentration drifts away from fanland now and then.

But that would be a mistake. Because that's just when it happens! That's just when all the clucking chickens on the Couch crouch down in the middle of their parlor and lay the kind of big old egg that keeps us laughing for days. Our Jater of the Month is an oldie but goodie. Let's hear it for FRANCI everyone. For doing her best to put the High back in Hiatus. Thanks, Franci!

First some background. You all probably remember when the prim and proper ladies of the Couch were choking on their Jate Cake and having a gigantic group hissy fit because two characters on Lost got a little naked in a cage.

They were aghast - aghast, I tell you! - at the appearance of this revolting PIG PORN on their teevee screens. But it turns out they were all just joshin' us about how they really felt about porn.

Seems like as long as you put the porn into cartoon format, these chicks dig the porn! Who knew?

(OMG, Banshee, what are you doing????)

It kind of makes sense, given the average mental Jate age of about 12, that they'd prefer their porn in a style that reminds them of all the manga robots they draw on their notebooks in class. Porn seems so much more cheerful and wholesome when it looks like something Sailor Moon would do.

Now you may have guessed the horrible truth by now.

In order to go any further with this story, it's time to roll out the exhibits. And I am WARNING you, if you have a weak stomach, or a bad heart, or asthma, or ...eyes... then do the right thing and TURN BACK NOW!

For those of you whose curiosity exceeds your common sense (which I'm guessing is every last one of you), I now present:

JATE HENTAI!!!!

Now trust me on this, you don't want to know what Jack's doing there with his back turned.

Believe me! You don't want to know! And I'm not just talking about the children. I mean you grownups out there. For the sake of your own sexlife, tonight, tomorrow or forever ever more,

I beg you don't click on THIS LINK!

DON'T DO IT!

DO NOT!

OK you did it.

Didn't you?

I tried to protect you, but you wouldn't listen.

And now you feel like this, don't you?

Right now you're wondering what's more disturbing - the fact that Manga Jack is also hung like a hamster or that he apparently shaves his cartoon scrotum.

Maybe you're wondering why Jate Porn is just as lame as everything else pertaining to Jate.

Maybe you just can't stop shaking your head over just how desperately the grownups among these women need to get LAID.

I mean this is a serious freakin' matter.

But none of that is going to stop your eyes from bleeding over what you just saw. So go drink this and come back and I'll tell you the rest of this story.

After many glorious hours spent group orgasming in their private hidey holes, Franci brought this adorable bit of ughfuck over to the Fuse so the hidey hole rejects on the Fuse could also see it. She buried the silent but deadly stinkbomb in the junkbox of her sig line and went on her merry way. After all it's not as if the Fuse has any RULEZ about stuff like this.

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

When some eagle eyed porn detective brought this to the attention of the ever objective mods, they whisked it away with a pooper scooper, slapped Franci on the nose with a newspaper and put her in the corner.

End of story, right?

Enter Gloria Silverstein, a concerned mom from MOD EDITED, USA:

To Whom It May Concern,

As a concerned parent, I am outraged that links to obvious pornography have been allowed on your site. My 12 year old daughter **** is a fan of Lost who reads the Fuselage. In particular, she reads the 'Couch" as she calls it where people discuss the characters of Jack and Kate. Because we monitor our children's interview viewing, I was in the room when she clicked on a link to extremely graphic comic book pornography - or **Edited** as the kids call it - featuring Jack and Kate.

You can rest assured that my daughter will never be visiting your website again and neither will any of her friends. As a member of the **NAME OF SCHOLL REMOVED** PTA here in **LOCATION REMOVED**, who occasionally fills in for PTA President *NAME REMOVED** when she is unable to attend meetings, I am going to make sure that your website is banned at our local schools as well as the **NAME REMOVED** public library. I have been assured by my eldest son **NAME REMOVED** - who mind you is a well respected lawyer and recent graduate of **NAME REMOVED** - that I am within my civic rights as a member of this community to take such actions. I certainly hope that the person responsible for posting that obscene, disgusting link has been permanently banned from the board and precautions have been put in place to ensure they can never rejoin.

I have never been so appalled or disgusted by a lack of concern on a public website.

Gloria Silverstein

Well, that, needless to say, got Halfrek's attention.

She knew right away this was big. And all credit to her, she did the right thing. She blamed the mother.

I would like to point out that your child reading this site is fine to a point. While your child was not violating the rules as posting wasn't involved, I think you as a parent should realize that the majority posting here are adults. It is much like taking your child with you to a local pub. (Pub being a local bar/restaurant setting where people can eat and drink with their families.) If you go into the pub, you cannot expect every person to see your child and act responsibly....We can not take responsibility for your child's efforts to find illicit sites on their own. Goodness knows that any enterprising child or adult can easily find sites of that nature just using the Google search function. I daresay you are not sending this same type of outraged letter to Google for being able to turn up a link to that site.

And how helpful of her to explain to Gloria Silverstein the definition of a "pub"! Her work done appeasing the mad mommy, Halfrek then she ran on over to the Couch to bitch out Franci for getting her in trouble.

it is my great displeasure to have to post this to you all. recently a post was made about a certain webcomic related to Jate. said post was commented on by a few members without batting an eye, when in fact the post had all the makings of violating one of our hard fast rules about graphic content. it should have not been posted at all. it should have been reported instead of being commented upon.

Gee, wonder why she waited for the mad mommy to complain before she did her job!

And then Karri came on, swinging her billy club, and started kicking ass and taking names.

Also if your daughter is a member here, I will need her member name as we do not allow children under the age of 13 to register.

Yup, that's a very sensible policy you got there, Karri. I mean no twelve year old has enough internet savvy to know how to lie about her age on a message board. Plus those are the RULEZ. And on the Fuse, the RULEZ is the LAWZ!

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

Right?

So clearly that means Franci, the icky little Jater who brought pornography to the Fuse, has been "infracted" with a heaping helping of a full one hundred pointz. I mean usually all it takes to get banned from the Fuse is getting reported more than once by the Crazy Pants Latin Lady. Surely for such a blatant violation of a clearly stated rule, Franci would be dropkicked off the Fuse in a heartbeat. BANNED 4 EVA!!!!!

No?

No.

Halfrek,as I already told you,I'm sorry for creating this mess as I was the one bringing that pic in here but for one,I had no idea this could bring to THAT..I uploaded an innocent image on Imageshack and posted it.that was all.that link has been posted in any forum (not by me) and there was no problem with it 'cause we had no idea that some teenager could take it and find the real comic.

Franci came and grovelled a bit and they all had a kumbaya singalong where they all agreed that Franci didn't even mean to put that link in her sig. It just kind of fell in there while she was jacked up on Hentai Jate and she didn't even realize it had even happened. Halfrek assured her she was completely forgiven.

I have spoken/PMd with Franci and we have sorted it out completely. i know her original intentions were without malice.

Then Banshee came in and reminded them that Jaters are not the kind of nasty girls who (admit that they) look at porn. And Erica resumed kissing her own ass. And the choruses of group sycophancy resumed. And they all got back to their true mission...pinpointing that exact microsecond in time when they just knew, in their porn free little hearts, that the cellular connection of Jack and Kate would be the ultimate transformative experience of their lives. And everyone was happy once again.

So what do we learn from this little tale?

That the Fuse RULEZ, as we all suspected, only apply to Skaters.

That in their heart of hearts, the Couch ladies secretly Wanna B Nast-E.

And that somewhere in this world, there is someone who spent a hell of a lot of time drawing pictures of Jack Shephard's penis.

So let this be a lesson to you. The Internet is a very dangerous place. There's all kind of toxic waste out there lurking about waiting to scorch your retinas. If there's such a thing as Hentai Jate out there, then literally anything is possible. Forewarned is forearmed. So just keep it in mind and remember to stay safe out there in cyberspace.

Read more...