PORN 4 DUMMIES

OK, so it's been a really boring hiatus so far. The spoilers are dullsville, no one in the cast is driving drunk or getting photographed jogging in eeny peeny spandex pants, and a lot of us are morbidly preoccupied with watching the global economy swirl down into the proverbial toilet. So we can't be blamed if our concentration drifts away from fanland now and then.

But that would be a mistake. Because that's just when it happens! That's just when all the clucking chickens on the Couch crouch down in the middle of their parlor and lay the kind of big old egg that keeps us laughing for days. Our Jater of the Month is an oldie but goodie. Let's hear it for FRANCI everyone. For doing her best to put the High back in Hiatus. Thanks, Franci!

First some background. You all probably remember when the prim and proper ladies of the Couch were choking on their Jate Cake and having a gigantic group hissy fit because two characters on Lost got a little naked in a cage.

They were aghast - aghast, I tell you! - at the appearance of this revolting PIG PORN on their teevee screens. But it turns out they were all just joshin' us about how they really felt about porn.

Seems like as long as you put the porn into cartoon format, these chicks dig the porn! Who knew?

(OMG, Banshee, what are you doing????)

It kind of makes sense, given the average mental Jate age of about 12, that they'd prefer their porn in a style that reminds them of all the manga robots they draw on their notebooks in class. Porn seems so much more cheerful and wholesome when it looks like something Sailor Moon would do.

Now you may have guessed the horrible truth by now.

In order to go any further with this story, it's time to roll out the exhibits. And I am WARNING you, if you have a weak stomach, or a bad heart, or asthma, or ...eyes... then do the right thing and TURN BACK NOW!

For those of you whose curiosity exceeds your common sense (which I'm guessing is every last one of you), I now present:

JATE HENTAI!!!!

Now trust me on this, you don't want to know what Jack's doing there with his back turned.

Believe me! You don't want to know! And I'm not just talking about the children. I mean you grownups out there. For the sake of your own sexlife, tonight, tomorrow or forever ever more,

I beg you don't click on THIS LINK!

DON'T DO IT!

DO NOT!

OK you did it.

Didn't you?

I tried to protect you, but you wouldn't listen.

And now you feel like this, don't you?

Right now you're wondering what's more disturbing - the fact that Manga Jack is also hung like a hamster or that he apparently shaves his cartoon scrotum.

Maybe you're wondering why Jate Porn is just as lame as everything else pertaining to Jate.

Maybe you just can't stop shaking your head over just how desperately the grownups among these women need to get LAID.

I mean this is a serious freakin' matter.

But none of that is going to stop your eyes from bleeding over what you just saw. So go drink this and come back and I'll tell you the rest of this story.

After many glorious hours spent group orgasming in their private hidey holes, Franci brought this adorable bit of ughfuck over to the Fuse so the hidey hole rejects on the Fuse could also see it. She buried the silent but deadly stinkbomb in the junkbox of her sig line and went on her merry way. After all it's not as if the Fuse has any RULEZ about stuff like this.

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

When some eagle eyed porn detective brought this to the attention of the ever objective mods, they whisked it away with a pooper scooper, slapped Franci on the nose with a newspaper and put her in the corner.

End of story, right?

Enter Gloria Silverstein, a concerned mom from MOD EDITED, USA:

To Whom It May Concern,

As a concerned parent, I am outraged that links to obvious pornography have been allowed on your site. My 12 year old daughter **** is a fan of Lost who reads the Fuselage. In particular, she reads the 'Couch" as she calls it where people discuss the characters of Jack and Kate. Because we monitor our children's interview viewing, I was in the room when she clicked on a link to extremely graphic comic book pornography - or **Edited** as the kids call it - featuring Jack and Kate.

You can rest assured that my daughter will never be visiting your website again and neither will any of her friends. As a member of the **NAME OF SCHOLL REMOVED** PTA here in **LOCATION REMOVED**, who occasionally fills in for PTA President *NAME REMOVED** when she is unable to attend meetings, I am going to make sure that your website is banned at our local schools as well as the **NAME REMOVED** public library. I have been assured by my eldest son **NAME REMOVED** - who mind you is a well respected lawyer and recent graduate of **NAME REMOVED** - that I am within my civic rights as a member of this community to take such actions. I certainly hope that the person responsible for posting that obscene, disgusting link has been permanently banned from the board and precautions have been put in place to ensure they can never rejoin.

I have never been so appalled or disgusted by a lack of concern on a public website.

Gloria Silverstein

Well, that, needless to say, got Halfrek's attention.

She knew right away this was big. And all credit to her, she did the right thing. She blamed the mother.

I would like to point out that your child reading this site is fine to a point. While your child was not violating the rules as posting wasn't involved, I think you as a parent should realize that the majority posting here are adults. It is much like taking your child with you to a local pub. (Pub being a local bar/restaurant setting where people can eat and drink with their families.) If you go into the pub, you cannot expect every person to see your child and act responsibly....We can not take responsibility for your child's efforts to find illicit sites on their own. Goodness knows that any enterprising child or adult can easily find sites of that nature just using the Google search function. I daresay you are not sending this same type of outraged letter to Google for being able to turn up a link to that site.

And how helpful of her to explain to Gloria Silverstein the definition of a "pub"! Her work done appeasing the mad mommy, Halfrek then she ran on over to the Couch to bitch out Franci for getting her in trouble.

it is my great displeasure to have to post this to you all. recently a post was made about a certain webcomic related to Jate. said post was commented on by a few members without batting an eye, when in fact the post had all the makings of violating one of our hard fast rules about graphic content. it should have not been posted at all. it should have been reported instead of being commented upon.

Gee, wonder why she waited for the mad mommy to complain before she did her job!

And then Karri came on, swinging her billy club, and started kicking ass and taking names.

Also if your daughter is a member here, I will need her member name as we do not allow children under the age of 13 to register.

Yup, that's a very sensible policy you got there, Karri. I mean no twelve year old has enough internet savvy to know how to lie about her age on a message board. Plus those are the RULEZ. And on the Fuse, the RULEZ is the LAWZ!

Offensive Posts

There may be places where explicit, obscene or vulgar language, graphics or behavior is appropriate however The Fuselage is not one of them. Discussion forum posts that contain explicit, obscene or vulgar language will be removed.

User Infraction Levels

Title: Pornographic
Points: 100
Expire: Never

Right?

So clearly that means Franci, the icky little Jater who brought pornography to the Fuse, has been "infracted" with a heaping helping of a full one hundred pointz. I mean usually all it takes to get banned from the Fuse is getting reported more than once by the Crazy Pants Latin Lady. Surely for such a blatant violation of a clearly stated rule, Franci would be dropkicked off the Fuse in a heartbeat. BANNED 4 EVA!!!!!

No?

No.

Halfrek,as I already told you,I'm sorry for creating this mess as I was the one bringing that pic in here but for one,I had no idea this could bring to THAT..I uploaded an innocent image on Imageshack and posted it.that was all.that link has been posted in any forum (not by me) and there was no problem with it 'cause we had no idea that some teenager could take it and find the real comic.

Franci came and grovelled a bit and they all had a kumbaya singalong where they all agreed that Franci didn't even mean to put that link in her sig. It just kind of fell in there while she was jacked up on Hentai Jate and she didn't even realize it had even happened. Halfrek assured her she was completely forgiven.

I have spoken/PMd with Franci and we have sorted it out completely. i know her original intentions were without malice.

Then Banshee came in and reminded them that Jaters are not the kind of nasty girls who (admit that they) look at porn. And Erica resumed kissing her own ass. And the choruses of group sycophancy resumed. And they all got back to their true mission...pinpointing that exact microsecond in time when they just knew, in their porn free little hearts, that the cellular connection of Jack and Kate would be the ultimate transformative experience of their lives. And everyone was happy once again.

So what do we learn from this little tale?

That the Fuse RULEZ, as we all suspected, only apply to Skaters.

That in their heart of hearts, the Couch ladies secretly Wanna B Nast-E.

And that somewhere in this world, there is someone who spent a hell of a lot of time drawing pictures of Jack Shephard's penis.

So let this be a lesson to you. The Internet is a very dangerous place. There's all kind of toxic waste out there lurking about waiting to scorch your retinas. If there's such a thing as Hentai Jate out there, then literally anything is possible. Forewarned is forearmed. So just keep it in mind and remember to stay safe out there in cyberspace.

Read more...

It's Chess I Tell Ya

Batshee the Thesaurus mangler has surfaced to try to mitigate the damage of the season 4 DVDs and utter lack of pro-jate comments or extras by posting another of her ridiculously longwinded essays. Here's an abridged version to spare you the tedium.

"TPTB are the equivalent of salesmen trying to sell a product-the triangle b/c it brings talk and ratings. It's the nature of television politics.

I've seen it debated that "marketing" aka hype is only designed to be reflective of popularity & reverence. Therefore b/c Skate is being propped and Jate is not, it means it's better and the OTP. Well, a frequent tactic used by marketers of movies is to isolate the positive comments about the movie & put them in quotes in an ad. I.e a critic may have called a movie "outrageously bad but it had some good moments"-yet all you see in the paper is "outrageously" "good". More specific to this topic-there were portions of Pro-Jate comments by Evi taken out of interviews in Lost mag (namely the post ID issue which was Skate heavy) and the question is why? If not to ride the coat tails of the "Kate definitively chose Sawyer" hype for the 13 week hiatus, which obviously turned out not to be true. And we knew at the time too it couldn't be true b/c of the SHOW and how Kate said she can't leave w/o Jack.

Marketing, by definition is a game with the consumer. And again, it becomes about who is the better chess player. Do you buy everything you see just b/c they say its good or something is the current "it" trend..or do you make your own determinations based on the facts of your actual experiences w/the product."

Marketing is a chessgame? WTF?

Can this broad get any nuttier? I'm sure everyone's engaged in a tense strategic battle of wits with the advertizers over whether they have McDonalds or Burger King for lunch.

The Lost creators are playing a stealthy shipping game with us, only hyping the bad shit on the show, trying to peddle the couple that they know people aren't really interested? Say what? Why?

Banshee's forgetting that the DVDs' extras are just the icing on the cake after the horse has already bolted. See, Bansh, I can also horribly mix my metaphors. If you bought the freaking DVDs, then you've already succumbed to the hype and marketing, duh!

The post season commentaries help provide insight and clarification on the working processes of the actors and writers - they aren't a politicking venture designed to keep you guessing on what's coming next. Got that? The DVD's and commentaries will be around long after the show has finished airing and all speculation has mercifully ended.

Anyone eating what this idiot is shoveling needs their gullible little Bubble head examined.

The creative showrunners and the press media have become increasingly positive about the Sawyer/Kate relationship (getting more DVD commentary attention, great reviews and hype everywhere, winning polls etc.) and notably are NOT raving about Jate, NOT hyping it up in any positive way. It's barely registering on their radar at all, in fact.

But they're just working in cahoots with each other to fool us, not wanting to spoil the wonderful surprise for the audience that Jack and Kate really are the OTP?

Gimme a frakking break.

To quote fishbitch Helena's marketing professor:

"If you don't advertise, you don't exist!"

But hey, I've been told that Jack/Kate finally topped a couple poll again after making the TV Guide's Top Ten Most Annoying Couples for 2008.

They won the number one slot at Cinema Blend for Top Five Worst TV Romances:



http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Top-Five-Worst-TV-Romances-12405.html

Credit to Helena for this screen cap of the results so far in the readers poll:



Enjoy, Bubbles. Isn't it great you finally got another media attention? I'm sure you deserve more. Read more...

Darlton Speak on that Spectacular Kiss in the Finale DVD Commentary

Huge thanks to Clarisse who transcribed the following for us from her season four DVD's (Lucky Brazilian's for getting their Lost fix first!):

Carlton: So this scene here was obviously one of our big and favorite moments in the story and you know. We're, you know, all season long we have been dealing with the, well, all show long we've been dealing with the romantic triangle between Kate and Jack and Sawyer, and for us this was a huge moment in that story, you know, we've seen actually in the show earlier this year that Jack and Kate got engaged in the future and now we're basically in a place where we know that that is coming up we know they'll sorta be together in the future. We know that Sawyer is not one of the Oceanic 6 and now we're actually gonna get to see how that actually all transpires. At least a part of it.

Damon: And most importantly we know that Kate and Jack's future relationship in fact that he proposes to her, she accepts his propposal, all comes apart because she is doing something for Sawyer and lying to Jack about it. And this scene, this is the last time Kate and Sawyer see each other before she leaves the island, so whatever it is he whispers to her obviously is what sort of catalyzes and ultimately destroys her relationship with Jack. As a result of that relationship being destroyed Jack starts popping pills and seeing his father and all these things, so this scene, Sawyer whispering to Kate actually is sort of a major critical plot -

Carlton: By the way, in a production level, those stuff actually dumping into the water, we actually see them splash dowm, I just, I never can see that enough.

Damon: This is awesome, I mean, again, you look at this scene, you go, you know, not to toot our own horn, because actually we're tooting the horn of the amazing production crew down in Hawaii, but all of this was shot in a period of 3 and a half weeks and it really has-, it's stuff like that that makes you feel like you're in a feature film

(Whisper)
Carlton: This is where Sawyer tells Kate that she's got something, like, in her teeth

Damon: Yeah

Carlton: He tells her there's a green something-

Damon: She says "Why are you telling me this?". He says "Because I don't want you to get a cavity. Gengivitis could-"

(Kiss)
Carlton: Now he sucks it out of her mouth

Damon: Oh my God, you're totally ruining the beauty of this moment.

Carlton: I think the people who watch the DVDs need to know a secret that they don't have to wait until season 5 to get.

(Sawyer jumps)

Damon: He says "Don't forget to rinse with Flourine" and jumps out.

Carlton: Now that was actually, that was no CG, that was a real stunt guy who jumped twice, once from about 85 feet and the second time from 105 feet out of a helicopter.

Damon: That's Josh Holloway in a pool at the Alaka'i, surfacing

Carlton: That shot was an amazing shot, this incredible stunt guy actually jumped over 100 feet from the helicopter into the ocean.

(Kate crying)

Damon: And that's a stunt tear that just came out of Kate's eye.

Carlton: No, that was a real tear.

These guys are a frakking riot. What a great way to floss. Give me Sawyer floss any day.

Flashbacks to the post- I Do podcast anyone? Love what they said here. How this was such an important seminal moment in the ongoing love story. How this "last kiss" and whispered promise ultimately destroyed Jack and Kate. Though, I kinda thought Jate killed Jate anyway, what with all the living in Denialville, the lies, distrust and borderline abusive undercurrents (which were nothing new).

Potato, potahto.

The important thing is that Darlton confirmed Jack and Kate's romantic relationship flat-lined in season 4 and I don't see any attempts to revive it or to talk it up as the epic romantic pairing on the show. While the frustrating triangle of doom may be here till the very last episode of the show, it seems pretty damned clear which couple is getting the big moments, the real hype and is being framed in an iconic way. Hint: It ain't Jack and Kate.

This comment was also golden:

"It's amazing that the beard stayed on after Kate's slap."

/RIMSHOT

There's more at the Fishbiscuitland forum, so check out the spoiler section. Everyone should be kissing Clarisse's feet for taking the time to look through everything and report back to us. That deleted Surley scene sounds adorable.

Read more...

What Every Man Needs

Hold the phone, people. According to a Bubblehead on the Fuse, Jack having a bender and going off his nut in a delusional jealous rage at his so-called beloved in SNBH was really all about the accessories and how sexy Foxy was. Kate? Who cares.

"Oh Lordy, where does one start? The unraveling of a fine man's soul into a toxic pit of rage, fear, shame, and self-loathing, and making all of the dark, twisted self-flagellation TOTALLY SMOKIN' HOT in that gorgeous suit he's got on, elegantly accessorized with all of those lovely booze bottles. Jack elevates drunken despair and self-hatred into a fixture at Men's Fashion Week in Milan. And Foxy, my God, he kicks so much booty in this scene that all of our collective behinds are all the way across the universe by now. Please, there really is no competition here."

You've got to be kidding, right? Right?

Seriously? The booze bottles are looking better than he is in that scene.

I can just picture the adverts now:



"Hi, I'm Jack Shephard. Survivor of Oceanic 6 and all round hero.

Being a borderline abusive shit while indulging in substance abuse is hard. It takes a lot of effort to maintain my image and stay on top of the competition.

While this can help:

And this:

And these:

What every man really needs to keep his woman coming back for more, are these:

And of course...

Barring some erectile dysfunction problems, psychotic breaks and restraining orders, that's all one needs to be the smoking hot man of any woman's dreams.

When all else fails, throw away your razor. You'll be swimming in booty in no time.

Hey, it works for me. I'm Jack Shephard, doctoring the truth since 2004."


And the Bubbles accuse Skaters and Sawyer fans of being the superficial ones; slobbering all over that nasty scummy crusty hillbilly conman and ignoring what the show is all about...

...uh, yeah. Read more...

Tales from the Fishelage: Is This Love?

As if we needed more grist for the mill, but if you had any doubts that the Jack/Kate relationship is about as unhealthy and un-romantic as TV romances can get, check out the following.

My darling little fishies have been industrious in compiling a two part vid that shows you exactly what is wrong with this couple.



Part deux of this awesome vid is here.


The inspiration for the vid was this site's questionnaire (found by TRoss):

Is This Love?


Makes you think, don't it?


Credit for this brilliant work goes to the talented Demy, Clarisse, May and Mylene.

The vids are already up on DarkUFO's site (be sure to go vote, you know the Bubblehead crazies will be all over it like flies on shit), but feel free to comment, debate, praise etc here too. Read more...